


Only Love Can Hurt Like This

by mxngowo



Category: IZONE (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Love Triangles, Unrequited Love, nonAU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-18 21:34:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 31,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29615745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mxngowo/pseuds/mxngowo
Summary: Hyewon is in love with a woman in a loving relationship. But whereas Sakura is happily in love with her fellow bandmate Chaeyeon, Hyewon is enjoyingly drowning in her own sorrows like a sadist for her own downfall.Hyewon coming to terms with her own unrequited love, she finds a pair of eyes trailing the same couple with a familiar longing twinkle. The hidden truth they’ve all kept selfishly, ultimately fating them to the same unexpected crises; the fear of when the human heart and mind no longer fall in line.
Relationships: Kang Hyewon/Kwon Eunbi, Kang Hyewon/Miyawaki Sakura, Kwon Eunbi/Lee Chaeyeon, Lee Chaeyeon/Miyawaki Sakura
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	1. Foolishly Yours, Kind Regards Your Secret Admirer

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I'm back with another fic, but this time it's a nonau. This was definitely out of my comfort zone and something very new to me but I definitely put my best effort into writing this. I really hope who ever reads this enjoys. I appreciate all who takes the time to read this. Do comment and let me know your thoughts as we go on this journery together!
> 
> A special thanks to a good friend kkuchaeria (on twitter) for giving me the strength to write this and being the best hype woman out there. 
> 
> Note: All characters, incidents, and events are fiction. I intend no harm to all idols mentioned in this fic before, during, or after you read this. This does NOT follow any certain ongoing timeline. Nor do I believe that any events mentioned here have occured in real life. This is a work of FICTION and in NO case factual. 

Tying your shoes, something Hyewon has mastered. Something she could do in seconds. Yet the moment Sakura walked into the practice room, she could not tie a single loop around the other. What would have only taken a few seconds ended up being fifty. How could the mere presence of someone make you lose all your senses?

Then the wild conversation of Yena and Yujin were no more than a distant sound. Her motions moved on auto pilot -standing up from her knee, staring at herself in the mirror as she stretched. Fighting the temptation to lock onto a certain girl, who had no clue of her existence. But she was far too aware of her presence to not look in her direction.

There were many reasons why someone might take away your senses. You could be holding a grudge against them, someone you respect, someone you're jealous of, or simply it's someone who's taken more than your sense... but your heart.

Hyewon heard the click from the door as it closed shut after Chaeyeon. Her eyes followed Chaeyeon across the room as she gave Sakura a bottle of water. It didn’t take a genius to know the reason how each took her senses.

She was envious of one.

And the other took everything else.

A better phrase to explain it would be _unrequited love…_

She knew the ache that bulldozes you when they see the person they loved, in love with someone else. How it tasted - it's a sweet and bitter taste that sits in the back of your throat. How it builds when one gradually realises that they had no reason for their anguish. When their love for that person was one of the many reasons they loved them. The weight of the cruel truth dragging their stomach down as they saw that person every day. Yet forever remained a _constellation away._

She knew of the surrender that came afterwards. The restrained acceptance - love is something experienced by two people. She knew the heavy clench in one’s heart to want something and try to force yourself to really believe that you don’t. When they inevitably let go. To leave that love be, because the person they loved deserved to be happy... and they leave like how it all started, clinging to nothingness.

So Hyewon clung tightly, with her eyes and _heart_ shut close.

△▲△

Chaeyeon peeked through the door, like a child. Her smile growing as she watched Sakura so focused on whatever game she was playing. The soft chattering that came from her keys as she manoeuvred between the WASD keys. She giggled to herself as she thought of a way to tease the gamer. Coming up with a enough plan she sneaked up behind the gamer, leaning forward to see her progress in the game. It seemed the focused gamer was winning. Chaeyeon mischievously covered Sakura’s eyes with her hands. A small squeal came from the gamer as she tried to push her hands away. By the time she had shoved Chaeyeon’s hands away, she had already fallen last place. She sent a sharp glare at Chaeyeon as she let out a huff of air.

Chaeyeon chuckled to herself, holding her hand up as an apology. “I’m sorry but it's time for you to record your radio” A soft sigh left Sakura as she turned around, taking off her headset “Hey! You shouldn’t be sad.. especially when I get to drive you there.” Sakura’s ears perked as she heard the soft jingle of the car keys in Chaeyeon’s hand as she dangled it in front of her face.

Sakura’s beamed, looking up at Chaeyeon from her chair. An excited ‘really?’ look on her face as if she couldn’t believe her own ears. Chaeyeon pinched Sakura’s ears as she teased her “Your ears are too cute for you not to trust what they hear.” Sakura whined as she pulled away, covering her ears, as they turned a slight shade of pink. Chaeyeon smiled at her warmly as she placed a chaste kiss on Sakura’s lips before skipping away.

Sakura placed her headset back on, reopening the voice call, “Was that Chaeyeon?” Hyewon asked calmly over the call.

“Yeah, I got to go for my schedule. We can play later, I’ll get back around 9,” Hyewon grumbled a low hum. She looked down at the clock on the bottom of her computer screen, mumbling the time again as she gazed at the date.

“I can’t play tonight, we can continue tomorrow.” Sakura cheerfully replied with an ‘Okay’. Hyewon kept in her sigh as she exited out of the game “Have fun at your recording” She replied, before leaving the call. She swivelled in her chair staring at the back of Eunbi’s head who was on her side on their bed watching a drama. On days like this, she realised how the day and night contrasted.

_It’s at night when the darkness comes out from hiding_ , was all Hyewon could think. Her voice rumbling heavily inside her head, her stomach falling with her words.

<>

Sakura smiled as she stepped out of the recording room. Chaeyeon laying on the couch, scrolling through her phone as she waited for her to finish. She told Chaeyeon she didn’t have to wait for her every time she recorded, but Chaeyeon never listened to her. The dancer would always be there on the couch, waiting for Sakura. She leaned over the couch, hovering just above Chaeyeon’s view “Peekaboo.” She cooed, immediately getting a bright smile from Chaeyeon as she put her phone away.

“You’re done!” Chaeyeon cheered as she wrapped her arms around Sakura’s neck pulling the girl down over the couch. Sakura settled on top of her with an oof from the unexpected tug from Chaeyeon. Her arms wrapping around the latter as she snuggled her head into the crook of Chaeyeon’s shoulder. “Where do you wanna go? We can do anything you like”

Sakura peeked at Chaeyeon, seeing the dancer’s bubbly smile “Anywhere with you is fine, even at home.” She placed a soft kiss on Chaeyeon’s lips before pulling the dancer into a tighter hug. Her warmth seeped into hers as she felt Chaeyeon’s hand caress her back.

“I think you mean anywhere your computer is fine, you never leave your desk.” Sakura giggled into Chaeyeon’s ear. It was true Sakura rarely left the house or her desk. Any free time she had, she'd be in front of her computer playing games. She’s even pulled a few all nighters here and there, even on nights when they had an early schedule the next day.

“Then you should play with me! We can have so much fun!”

“I don’t have a talent for games, so it wouldn’t be fun” Chaeyeon sighed as she rested her head on Sakura’s. She could feel the gamer’s frown on the base of her neck. Chaeyeon grinned to herself as she whispered “Pinky” into Sakura’s ear. The first instinct she had was to back away from Chaeyeon, knowing well what was going to happen next. But Chaeyeon’s wrapped arms around her waist kept her close. She couldn't escape Chaeyeon’s sudden chant of ‘waka waka waka'. As she nibbled on Sakura’s shoulder, pretending to be Pacman and Sakura being the ghost _Pinky_.

Sakura resumed to trying to get out of Chaeyeon’s grip. Until they had successfully lost balance and fallen off the couch with a hard thud onto the floor. They laughed, staring at their tangled limbs as they laid on the cold floor. “Do you seriously have to do that every time I frown?” she scolded, with her cheeks puffing out.

“Yes” Chaeyeon responded playfully, pulling Sakura closer. Rubbing their noses against one another, successfully drawing another laugh from Sakura. “Plus, it suits your new hair” Chaeyeon teased as she twirled a strand of Sakura’s hair with her finger.

△▲△

It would be impossible for them to be a normal couple. Which meant it restricted their dates to places where they wouldn’t get recognised easily. To always lie low and sometimes avoid each other if they felt someone saw them. It wasn’t easy. Always having to hide behind hoods and masks. Not being able to go hug and hold each other excessively, even holding hands in public was a risk far too great for them. It was one thing to date as an idol, but it was another to date someone in the same group… Still, they kept going strong.

Albeit all these restrictions, they never let it limit their love for one another. They would just enjoy each other’s company and accept those small moments as precious ones.

“What’s got you smiling so widely?” Chaeyeon teased with a smile as she twiddled with their intertwined fingers. Sakura tugged at their hands, pulling Chaeyeon close enough to place a soft peck on her lips. “We’re not home yet” she alerted, but there was a smile on her face and her other hand came to lightly caress Sakura’s.

“It’s 3 in the morning, no one’s going to see us” Sakura replied, leaning in to steal another kiss from Chaeyeon’s lips. It was something they would do every once in a while to escape their small dorm room. Enjoying some time to themselves, without the worry of the other members hearing them. But, it meant late night dates for them. In a way it was fun for the couple. It was well worth a few sleepless nights if they could spend the entire night together. Going out and about free of the reigns of their members and managers.

“We’ll be home soon, you can save all your kisses till them.” Chaeyeon glanced around checking if anyone was around - Sakura was right there was no one around this early in the morning. Making it perfect for them to show their affection for one another on their late night strolls. So Chaeyeon leaned close, rubbing their noses together before placing a quick peck on Sakura’s lips. “That’s the last one until we get home”

Needless to say, it was enough to melt Sakura’s already soft heart despite Chaeyeon’s words. She smiled as she leaned in for another kiss. Chaeyeon faked a gasp as she held her hand to her mouth, “I just got kissed by the Miyawaki Sakura.” they exchanged a laugh, before Chaeyeon twirled Sakura into her. Hugging her from the back as they walked back home.

“This isn’t a very convenient way to walk back home, you know,” Sakura complained, but the dancer knew well that she enjoyed it. Feeling the Japanese’s hand come up and caress her face lightly, that was so comfortably resting on her lover’s shoulder.

“Good. It will take us longer to get home then,” Chaeyeon said in a whisper into Sakura’s ear. She heard Sakura saying she was being ridiculous, but it only made the dancer hold her tighter, unable to get enough of her warmth. Sakura placed her hands on top of Chaeyeon’s intertwining her fingers with her own. Chaeyeon provided her with all the affection and love she never thought she could receive, and this love was like a warm blanket on a cold winter night.

Sakura wanted to keep this feeling forever, moreover she wanted to let Chaeyeon feel the same feeling too.

△▲△

Eunbi looked up at the ceiling of her room, the soft churning that came from the air conditioner. The small light that leaked under the door from the hallway light. It was quiet but the quiet sense of something lost. Her heart’s seen things it wishes it didn’t, and somewhere along the way she’s lost herself too. Familiar rooms, familiar faces, familiar places that all seem so distant. Staying up late twisted in overwhelming feelings that didn’t seem like her own. Yet she couldn’t control them.

Eunbi learned to do all her healing, manage all her feelings, be independent. She doesn’t ask for help, no… because she doesn’t need it. So why could she never control her feelings for _her_? When did her head fill with thoughts of her? How could she hide such overpowering feelings?

She was in danger; she fell on her knees to love.

Nights like this, when the tears she controlled slowly roll down her cheeks as she sniffled. Making no noise as her chest heaved up and down, desperate to let out its cries for help.

Why am I always the one making decisions?

How do I handle the pressure?

Nights when the ceiling looks low and the lights are dim, she wonders what it would be like to do something stupid. Be kinda reckless and say, “I don’t give a damn.” But she knows what’s at the end of these reckless decisions, she’s gotten hurt and gotten the scars to prove it. So she does her best to fake it (but honestly, she hates it)

In three words, she could experience everything she’s learned about life:

_It goes on_

And it was not going to stop simply because she’s hurt, battered, torn and left out to dry. So she indulged in how cold the floor felt under her, the hard yet soft support of her bed on her back. The air conditioner’s hums that drowned out Hyewon’s calm breathing. Eunbi covered her ears, taking in sharp harsh breaths, repeating the same phrase over and over again.

“The day will come back around” Countless nights she’s repeated this phrase, yet every time she heard herself say it the words became more and more foreign.

<>

People seem weak, but they’re strong. They seem strong, but they’re weak. At times one shines over the other, but at this moment Eunbi was strong and weak at once - allowed, at least for a little while. She was both.

“The day will come back around” Hyewon mumbled along to Eunbi’s hushed whispers. She stared ahead at the mirror atop their dresser, the top of Eunbi’s head poking above the bed. Her still figure was clear in the reflection. Every night for a while Eunbi was both - strong and weak at once.

△▲△

They all bowed to their instructor, exchanging goodbyes and thank you’s. Finally, their last schedule finished. It was a long and tiring day, clear by most of the members being knocked out. Even the energetic ones, where groaning as they fell to the ground lying on the floor, thankful for the day to be over. Eunbi the leader, of course, took care of going over the lesson with the instructor before they left for home. Eventually instructing the members to pack their things and head back to the van. Although it took some strength to get Yujin and Yena off the floor and into the van.

The ride back was quiet compared to their ride on the way to the schedule. Most of the members already dozed off or listening to music by themselves. Still, Eunbi had a smile on her face as she answered questions from the manager and looked over their next schedules. It was true, Eunbi loved being the leader. But even on hard days like this, she can’t easily say that things are hard. As the leader she has a responsibility. Unfortunately because of this, she has to scold some members. Along with cheering them and comforting them during these times. Often it makes her feel isolated in certain ways from her members.

Hyewon nudged Eunbi out of her train of thoughts. Mentally restarting herself as she turned to her member “Today was hard, right?” she said in an attempt of comforting their leader “Thank you for leading us well today too”

There was a relief smile on Eunbi’s face. Deep down wanting to hear comforting words all day too “Thank you for working hard today.” Hyewon smiled, head dipping in agreement. There was a weight behind Eunbi’s words that made her have a sudden itch.

Eunbi’s smile faded as she returned to her phone, rechecking the details for their schedule tomorrow. It sent a strike of empathy at Hyewon’s heart that made her wonder if there was something she could do to assist her leader’s already heavy job.

△▲△

“Can you even read these?” Chaeyeon asked in a teasing manner, leaning over Sakura’s shoulder. Looking at the book she had just picked out from the shelf.

“I’ve been in Korea for over two years,” Sakura snarled, hitting Chaeyeon on the top of the head with the book. Chaeyeon let out a little ‘ow’ as she rubbed her head. “I can even understand medical terms used in dramas” she scoffed before walking to another shelf of books

Chaeyeon laughed to herself before following Sakura. It was true the Japanese members have been in Korea for a long time now. Nako who could properly out beat Yuri in any argument and Hitomi who was more fluent than Yena with her vast vocabulary. She gives them credit for being fluent in Korean, but it didn’t stop the urge to tease them about it every now and then.

“So you can really read this book and understand everything?” Chaeyeon asked, showing Sakura a random picture book she had picked out from the children’s section. The Japanese proudly glared at her for the outright insult of her linguistic skills.

“Can you sleep on the couch and be comfortable?” She retorted before shoving the book back at Chaeyeon. The latter letting out a fake gasp as she pretended to get shot in the heart.

“You can’t do that! Who’s going to help you with the hard words?” Chaeyeon reasoned on the opposite side of the shelf, leaning her head down to meet Sakura’s eyes. She swears she saw a smile on the girl’s face before she got rejected with Sakura placing back her book, shutting out Chaeyeon. She continued to move down the shelf looking for a book, despite Chaeyeon’s disturbances.

“Hey! I saw you smile, you want me to read you, don’t you?” Chaeyeon said, continuing to tease the girl out of picking a book to borrow from the library. She smiled when Sakura finally looked up at her, through the gaps of the bookshelf. Sakura hid her smile behind the row of books, only showing her eyes. Unluckily for her, Chaeyeon could perfectly see her cute, big ears turning red at the thought.

Chaeyeon’s eyes turned to crescents, sliding a book through the gap of the shelf. A post it note on it (I love you) Sakura smiled reading the note, writing a response on the post it. Chaeyeon waited for her reply, seeing Sakura’s eyes turn into small lines. To which Chaeyeon assumed she was smiling at her note as she sent the book through the same gap.

She expectantly read her response, hearing a chuckle from the other side of the shelf when Sakura saw Chaeyeon’s slack jaw and slightly miffed expression. “Yeah, I get that a lot” matched with a PS note at the bottom saying she’d give her a signature if she wanted.

“Oh, I’m so getting you for that!” Chaeyeon let out, and Sakura instantly ran away with an ecstatic laugh. Successfully using the new expression Chaeyeon had taught her the other day, that certainly added a new wittiness to her sentences. 

△▲△

Hyewon smiled, seeing Sakura clutching her stomach as she gasped for breath from laughing at a joke she just made. They weren’t doing anything special, just playing a mobile game as they laid on Sakura’s bed, inserting some banter every now and then. But this was enough - at least for Hyewon.

She craved for love, everybody does… She’s given so much love to people - she can really love people, she can - but nobody’s ever loved her. It wasn’t the love you could replicate with the love of a fan and an idol, unfortunately she craved for the love she knew she could never have.

Sometimes no matter how many eyelashes or dandelion seeds you blow, no matter how much of your heart you tear out and slap on your sleeve acting like everything’s okay, it just ain’t gonna happen. So she’s found a beauty - _a beauty in the unrequited._

Maybe she was naïve and foolish to believe there was something so beautiful in the melancholic tunnel of unrequited love. But, if you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back… then that love had to be real. It hurts too much to be anything else.

“Hyewon we did it!” Sakura yelled, engulfing Hyewon in a tight hug as they had just gotten first place in the battle royale.

“We did it” She whispered back, as she reciprocated the hug “We did it” she said louder this time with a smile that matched. Sakura smiled back at her, holding her hands up for a high five. That alone was enough to make Hyewon fall all over again. Then she knew there was definitely something beautiful in the melancholic tunnel.

She’d take the tens of unconscious hand holds, the hundreds of mindless hugs and the thousands of heartfelt compliments. So let her be the lover and Sakura be the beloved. Love is a joint experience between two persons — but the fact that it is a joint experience does not mean that it is a similar experience to the two people involved. Therefore, the value and quality of any love is determined solely by the lover themselves.

It is for this reason Hyewon would rather be the lover instead of the beloved. The lover craves any possible relation with the beloved, even if this experience can cause them only _pain_.

△▲△

There were few things that could mess up a day off. Rain was one of them. The gray and dark sky that looms over you, encouraging the loneliness to seep through you. Having to carry around an umbrella that only shielded you from 60% of the rain. The cold yet humid air that only makes you feel like you're neither cold nor warm, just wet.

Chaeyeon looked out the lobby doors seeing the rain steadily begin to pour down “Oh, it’s raining” She pointed out, weary that it would disrupt her plans with Sakura later. “Do you want me to drop you off before I pick up Sakura?” She suggested, picking out her keys from her bag. She nudged Eunbi seeing that the girl had physically stopped all movement, she blinked at her waiting for her answer.

"It’s okay” Eunbi answered successfully, subsiding the quaking throb in her heart, but still she couldn’t ignore the steady pulse. 

“Are you sure? You don’t have an umbrella” Chaeyeon alerted, worry evident in her tone. Yet, Eunbi curved her lips into a smile. Convincing Chaeyeon that she’ll find a way home, along with a small list of excuses that would make it inconvenient for both her and Chaeyeon to ride back together. An extended list that could've stopped at one bulletin.

“You should go, you don’t want your sweet girlfriend to be waiting for you” Eunbi warned and the usual chirpy high toned ‘Okay!’ reply from Chaeyeon only fueled the throbbing like a hammer hitting a gong, instead of creating the light fluttering in her chest.

She waved goodbye to Chaeyeon as she drove away. She shifted her weight on her heels, waiting painfully for the rain to lift. She was too far from the main road to call a gab either, and the loud grumble that came from the sky didn’t lift her mood either.

“Why didn’t you get in with her?” Hyewon asked calmly, appearing silently next to Eunbi. Looking up at the sky, seeing the clouds turn darker. She silently cursed the weather for destroying her day off.

“She’s going on a date with Sakura, I didn’t want to ruin it,” Eunbi said and Hyewon’s wave of curses at the weather bowed out. She turned to face her, dazed from the odd heaviness she had heard in Eunbi’s tone. Then she saw that _smile_ as Eunbi shrugged her shoulders - it didn’t give away anything.

Hyewon wondered if she had just imagined it - the strange weight disappearing as Eunbi smiled, so she nodded, rising and opening the umbrella out in front of her. “You could get a car” She suggested, Eunbi has a driver’s license after all “I’m sure it would get you out of situations like this” Eunbi nodded her head acknowledging the convenience of having a car, she wouldn’t have to wait for the rain to stop or carry an umbrella.

“I’m sure it won’t take three tries to get one, compared to your driver’s license. I think your odds are pretty good,” Hyewon teased, holding the umbrella above her head. Cheering to herself for remembering to bring one. It was one thing for it to rain, but it was another to get wet in the rain.

“You’re never going to let that down are you?”

Hyewon grinned “Never” and offered her arm for Eunbi so they could share the umbrella. Eunbi rolled her eyes, linking her arm with Hyewon’s and the latter switched the umbrella to her other hand - leaning it closer to _one_ side.

“If I get a car, I’m never giving you a ride” It didn’t come out as threatening as it should’ve, causing Hyewon to snicker and Eunbi roll her eyes.

“Did you forget who helped you study for your tests?” Hyewon said, emphasising the plural s, receiving an offended ‘yah’ and a smack on the arm from Eunbi. Hyewon clicked her tongue, taunting Eunbi as she moved the umbrella away from Eunbi letting the rain fall onto her. After receiving a few more smacks and her arm starting to feel numb from the hits, she returned the umbrella to its original position.

“You’ll regret teasing me about failing my driver’s test three times when you fail yours five times!” 

△▲△

Sakura squealed, flapping her legs about on her bed. She loved dramas, but mostly she loved all the cute romantic scenes that happened in them. She avoided all dramatic and chaotic filled dramas. Knowing well it was too much for her to handle. The burning feeling it left in her chest when she got frustrated with the actions of one of the characters. Switching to cute and fluffy dramas was definitely a good decision. Cause now she couldn’t stop smiling and blushing all the time with the countless cliche moments that happened.

Those moments that make you feel happy for the characters, that you too can’t help but smile for them.

“What are you smiling at?”

Sakura beamed as she showed her phone screen to Chaeyeon. The girl squinted her eyes to see what had happened, that made her girlfriend to be so giggly (and effortlessly cute.) The main lead did a small dance in front of the female lea. A soft jazzy tune playing in the background, then after a few moves he reached his hand out asking her to dance with him. She couldn’t lie, it was obnoxiously cute and romantic. Something she could totally see herself doing.

“Aren’t they so cute!” Sakura exclaimed, pulling her phone back down to admire the cute display of the actors dancing together. The woman standing on the man’s feet, saying she couldn’t dance, so he’d guide her feet to sway along with him.

Then a sudden jazzy tune filled their bedroom, one almost like the one played in the drama. Sakura glanced up from her phone, wondering why Chaeyeon decided to play this genre of music. She looked at her amusedly, knowing exactly what Chaeyeon was trying to reenact. As she did the same shuffling steps the guy lead had done earlier in the scene she had just shown her.

She added a few fancy steps to her dance, before spinning around and stopping just in front of Sakura. Holding her hand out for her, “Are you just going to sit there and watch?” she said, repeating the guy lead.

Sakura pouted, crossing her arms, immediately getting into the role of the female lead. “No, I can’t dance” Chaeyeon then followed by saying an enticing c’mon holding her hand out again for Sakura. Her eyes turned into crescents when Sakura placed her hand in hers, helping her up from her seat.

She stood up from her seat and her hand naturally went onto Chaeyeon’s shoulder, and the dancer placed her hand on her hip. Chaeyeon swayed them along to the music, “I think you're forgetting something.” Sakura leaned back, looking at the dancer with a puzzled look. “This” She said simply before pulling Sakura closer to her and her feet going on top of hers.

Sakura giggled to herself. Enjoying how seriously Chaeyeon got into the role. But knowing it was the hopeless romantic side of Chaeyeon that made her want to do it in the first place. Sakura looped her arms around Chaeyeon’s neck, pulling her even closer until there was no space between them. There was a lingering warm and fuzzy feeling in Sakura’s chest, unable to get enough of Chaeyeon’s warmth. She leaned in even closer, their cheeks against one another.

Sakura was never one to believe in destiny until destiny eventually led her to Chaeyeon. The girl whose arms she wanted to melt in forever, whose eyes she could get lost in for eternity, whose voice she could listen for a lifetime.

“Can we stay like this for a little while?” She whispered into Chaeyeon’s ear. The dancer nodded in response, pulling Sakura closer as she continued to sway them to the slow jazzy beat. She leaned into Sakura, placing her head against hers as Sakura snuggled into the crook of her neck.

Slow hands, honest eyes, and full attention to the one held in their arms.

Those were the moments that made Sakura feel happy.

△▲△

“Are you alright?”

Eunbi’s startled jolt gave Chaeyeon the impression she wasn’t. Nevertheless, Eunbi gave her a clueless look, as though she had no idea what the dancer was talking about. Chaeyeon shrugged her shoulders, paying attention to the rack of clothes in front of her. Finding it too intimidating to look Eunbi in the eyes when she asked. “I don’t know, you just seem to be taking up a lot of things”

Eunbi involuntarily paused at that, but the throb in her heart wasn’t enough to prevent time from slowing down. “Oh… I’m just preparing myself ” Eunbi replied after she successfully came up with a viable excuse. She shuffled to the other side of the clothing rack, occupying her mind with the assortment of clothes out on display.

“You seem to have a lot on your mind lately” Chaeyeon said, sounding slightly dejected. “You know you can talk to me, right?” Eunbi let out a little mum as she continued to search through the clothes, but it wasn’t something she could talk to Chaeyeon about.

“It’s just details about the comeback, don’t worry” Eunbi shrugged, smiling. Wanting to change the subject quickly.

“You should’ve stayed at home and rested, then. We could’ve done this on another day” Chaeyeon clicked her tongue in a disapproving manner, putting the shirt Eunbi had picked up back into the rack. Ready to take her back home, insisting she should get some rest.

“I would’ve just booked myself another meeting with the managers or looking over our monitors.” Chaeyeon’s laugh filled Eunbi’s ear in a way that rang almost angelically.

“You’re too kind for your own good, unnie” Chaeyeon replied, with a fondness in her tone. That had already softened Eunbi’s heart from its aching, affecting her much more than she would have liked. But she didn’t protest.

Chaeyeon had pushed them out of whichever store they were just previously in, preparing to call a cab to go home. “Hey! I want to spend time with you” Eunbi retorted and probably too fond for her own liking “You don’t have to send me home, like a grandma who needs her rest!” She complained, falling into the arms of the small voice at the back of her head that dad convinced her that her previous words came out too fondly.

“I know” Chaeyeon said, smiling down at Eunbi. Features soft with the mellow lights of the city lights falling upon her. At the same time, the pit of Eunbi’s stomach weighed down until it planted her deep into the ground. “Let’s stop by a cafe before we go home?”

“Sure” Eunbi replied, the hands on her shoulders fell along with the dancer’s nod as she turned around. Eunbi’s thoughts restarted, her movements in autopilot as she followed behind Chaeyeon.

 _That was dangerous,_ Eunbi’s voice grumbled in her head, mentally scolding herself for slipping so easily.

But it was true… _she wanted to spend more time with Chaeyeon_


	2. Words left unspoken

“You were supposed to help me! Not get us both killed!” Hyewon complained over the call, groaning as she ran her fingers through her hair frustratedly, So much for their 5 game win streaks, she would have been angrier but the bubbly laugh that came from the other end of the call prevented her from doing so.

The laughs that turned into wheezes as Sakura was letting out more laughs than taking in air. Leaning her head back trying to catch her breath, making her almost fall back in her chair did the opposite, only bringing out more laughs out of her and now Hyewon too.

“You owe me a meal for making me lose my win streak” Hyewon alerted after finally catching her breath. Sakura snorted at the comment, queuing up for another game.

“Hey! It would have been the same case if you were in my spot” Sakura was determined to not lose anymore money from her wallet already owing Hyewon several other meals. It surely would leave a dent in her wallet, secretly fearing Hyewon would be smart and make her get her some expensive meat from a high end restaurant (which was definitely something Hyewon would do)

“Look at our KDA’s I practically carried you that match” Hyewon argued. Sakura clicked her tongue in a disapproving manner. She couldn’t argue against that, she only had 2 kills while Hyewon had 7 kills and 2 assists.

“Fine, but this is a separate meal! You can’t use it all for one expensive meal!” Sakura warned, still remembering the last time Hyewon deposited all of her meals for 1 expensive meal. Sakura seriously felt like a restaurant giving coupons to a loyal customer, except it didn’t benefit her at all. Only Hyewon. But she couldn’t complain, after all there was no one or anyone as good as Hyewon to play games with.

Hyewon chuckled in victory. It may not be an expensive meal, but this time she could settle for quality over quantity. “I could have gotten 2 expensive meals if I didn’t bring you along and shared it with you” she teased.

“Shut up! And accept the match already,” Sakura snarled. She swears Hyewon only plays with her to only get meals out of it.

<>

Chaeyeon huffed out, leaning on her arm. Seems like Sakura laughed at something Hyewon had said, almost falling back on her chair that startled both her and Sakura. But the gamer only continued to laugh, which eased Chaeyeon back into her previous position. Chaeyeon pouted, wondering what they were talking about. She never sees the gamer side of Sakura, and when she does it always because of Hyewon or when she’s playing by herself - What’s it like to be the cause?

Just once she’d like to see what it’s like, instead of her suddenly getting drawn to the laughs and yells she lets out every now and then. She grabbed her phone, looking for one of the games Sakura avidly plays on the app store. PG? No wait… was it PUG? No, that doesn’t sound like the name of a shooter game… Ah, right it was PUBG. All she had to do was shoot people, easy enough.

Chaeyeon squinted her eyes, staring at the death display screen. She hadn’t lasted even 3 minutes before getting killed. People had better aim than she had expected (granted she walked straight towards them) “Yup, I definitely don’t have a talent for games” she breathed, immediately deleting the app and tossing her phone away. She fell back onto her bed, staring at the digital clock they had on the dresser: 11pm. Knowing the two, they would not be finished until late into the night.

She glanced one more time at Sakura, half of her face covered by the curtain that hangs over their sliding door. But she didn’t need to see that Sakura had a focused look, determined to win her game. It would be best for her to leave the gaming to Hyewon. Chaeyeon knew well she had a knack for it, and somehow Sakura could get annoyed and giggly playing with her and play until it was dawn.

<>

Chaeyeon’s eyes flickered open, feeling a slight ache in her side. There was an added weight. Turning her head, she found the source. It seems after her gaming session, Sakura sneaked herself onto the dancer’s bed, although she had her own (one that Chaeyeon had secretly taken from her sister) It was always comfiest to wrap all her limbs around Chaeyeon instead of sleeping on a bed.

“Don’t move, I’m comfy” Sakura whispered into Chaeyeon’s back. She had spent all night playing, and her lack of sleep and Chaeyeon’s warmth only made her comfortable.

“And I have an ache on my hip” Chaeyeon laughed into Sakura’s ear, flipping over to a more comfortable position and a better view of the gamer who was only half awake.

“It’s not my fault you’re so comfortable” Sakura snuggled herself closer into Chaeyeon’s kiss, planting a soft kiss on the base of her neck. Chaeyeon smiled, holding the gamer so warmly in her arms early in the morning. She combed her fingers through the gamer’s hair “Plus you’re combing my hair”

“I don’t mind waking up like this every morning” Chaeyeon giggled, gently combing her fingers through Sakura’s hair until the gamer had successfully fallen back to sleep. “But maybe next time, don’t lean your whole weight on my side” she said quietly, snickering to herself, knowing the gamer was no longer listening.

△▲△

The aching throb in Eunbi’s heart began to take more effort to ignore it. Even her best efforts didn’t stop it from going unnoticed. She couldn’t push it to the very back of her mind, at least without throwing herself into working out non-stop between schedules or burying herself in paperwork, too tired to do anything but sleep the moment her head hit the pillow.

At least for a few hours she could make the throbbing stop and the haunting thoughts kept away. During the day, when her absent mind was wide awake, she’d be too preoccupied to give it any attention. Desperate for time to move quickly, but that would only be if luck was on her side. Time moved painfully slow, as though time had completely stopped for everyone else and she was stuck in motion.

This feeling was only amplified at times like this:

When they’d be finished with practice and they had nothing but time after. She’d watch from the front of the room. Seeing the other members move rather statically to one another, although they moved about naturally. Yena moved to Yujin to simply tease her about a dance move she had done oddly. Yuri walked to Nako and Minju to continue their unfinished argument about the grape they had eaten before practice, full of confidence that it was not normal for it to have any seeds. Hitomi conversing with Chaewon and Wonyoung.

However, her eyes only glanced over them before it unwillingly landed on a pair that involuntarily drew her gaze towards them. Eunbi felt like she was watching a reenactment of a scene she’d seen in a drama, the fake wind coming out of nowhere, the slowed movements as Chaeyeon looked loving down at Sakura, effortlessly looking pretty as she laughed at a joke Chaeyeon had made. The edited graphics Eunbi had managed to bring to life that surrounded the couple.

A slow, pained throb echoed in her chest. As reality seeped into her drama reenactment, time picking up its pace and the added effects disappearing with it. “It must be nice being with someone who made you wish time would slow down” Her eyes continued to follow them out of the room, a deep sigh leaving her as the door closed behind them. Getting a glimpse of their tightly held hands. 

<>

Hyewon kneeled down, pretending to be occupied with her untied shoelace that was clearly tied. Only for her eyes to attract to the only pair she wanted to avoid, the _dull_ quiet throb that whispered to her. She glanced down at their secretly held hands in Chaeyeon’s jacket, waiting until they were out of the room to take it out.

Her gaze coincided with Eunbi, the empty minded expression on the latter’s face faltering but with the sound of a click from the door, Eunbi seemed to just take a step back to… restart herself. There was a pause, then the falter was replaced with another stoic look that made Hyewon feel the return of that heavy weight she thought she had imagined.

The sigh she let out that had simultaneously lined with Eunbi’s. Hyewon felt a vague _familiarity_ in their leader’s actions. 

△▲△

Chaeyeon was preparing some pasta, as requested by the designated baby of the dorm (there are many qualified applicants for the title, but this time it was Wonyoung) She placed her hand on her hip as she waited for the pasta to cook as the sauce simmered in another pan. Yuri’s and Nako’s argument leaking from the living room into the kitchen. She chuckled to herself at the random topic they seemed to argue about again.

“You’re shorter than me, so it won’t hurt your back!” Yuri had snapped back at Nako’s comment, to which she only scoffed. Placing her hands on her hips as she tried to stand in face to face (well, in her case it was more of a neck to face eye level)

“How about I push you off a 10 story building, tell me then how much your back will hurt then. Miss I rounded my 5’3 height to 6 feet” Nako retaliated only for Yuri to mimic her in a higher tone, shaking her head annoyingly to irritate Nako. Chaeyeon chuckled as she transferred the pasta into the sauce, wondering how those two could stand being roommates with the amount of bickering they do.

Sakura came from behind, resting her chin on Chaeyeon’s shoulder as she watched her prepare the food. Her hands snaked around Chaeyeon’s waist as she snuggled closer. “I think one day they’ll end up killing each other” Chaeyeon threw her head back as she laughed, realising how high of a possibility it was. Sakura smiled, playing a peck on the dancer’s neck.

“I volunteer you to deal with the arrest papers” She teased, taking some sauce and cooling it with her breath before smearing it on Sakura’s nose. She glared at Chaeyeon, before wiping it off and tasting it. She did a little ‘mmm’ of approval. “You want to try some?” Sakura nodded her head into Chaeyeon’s shoulders, already opening her mouth.

“Here comes the train” Chaeyeon cheered, adding some train noises as she maneuvered the fork of pasta around in front of Sakura as though she was feeding a little kid. She placed her hand under Sakura’s chin to catch any spills, but before she fed Sakura. She squished her cheeks together with her hand “Oh, look at you! You’re so cute, like a little cat” Chaeyeon cooed, inserting a few baby noises and coos.

Sakura rolled her eyes, her face still being pinched by Chaeyeon, making her pout even more irresistibly cuter. “I’m not a child, you know” She corrected, before opening her mouth again for food.

“Oooh, our little kitty. She’s an adult now, oh! Where did the time go, she’s all grown up now,” Chaeyeon continued, before smearing even more sauce on Sakura’s nose. She released a dissatisfied sigh, realising her mistake in putting too much hope in her girlfriend to actually feed her. “Okay! Okay! I’ll actually feed you this time,” Chaeyeon went out, suddenly remembering how she got kicked out of their room for an entire day, for babying Sakura that one afternoon.

“It’s good! Wonyoung will like it” Sakura encouraged, shooting a thumbs up as she finished chewing her food. She leaned in to give Chaeyeon a kiss for a reward. But the sound of Wonyoung walking to the kitchen, wondering when the food would be done. Cause Sakura to stumble towards a random counter pretending she was cleaning the table top and Chaeyeon to laugh hysterically, finding the situation hilarious.

Once Wonyoung had skipped cheerfully out of the kitchen, Chaeyeon continued to laugh at Sakura as she reenacted the odd way Sakura ran towards the counter, that awfully resembled a newly born calf trying to walk. Sakura threw the rag in her hand at Chaeyeon’s face “ _Not_ funny” but Chaeyeon continued to giggle, anyway. 

△▲△

Hyewon found that Eunbi’s nightly escaped cries are less frequent when they have comebacks or heavy schedules. She was probably too tired with each schedule that she went to sleep the moment her head hit the bed. It was clear that Eunbi held the most taxing role. Discussing with the CEO and managers, monitoring their choreographies, mediating fights between the members and remembering introductions for the songs, concepts, etc. Sometimes, the rest of the members forget Eunbi is only in her 20s and a few years older than them.

Hyewon knew she’s been guilty of this too - the member’s often make fun of Eunbi for her age and their generation gap, but she’s young and human just like them. But because she was their leader, they had a lot of respect and appreciation for her that they forget these simple things. It can also be intimidating to approach Eunbi, especially in times when her plate is full.

She gripped the doorknob to her room, but the lack of light that leaked from their room intrigued her eyes. The lights were off. Oddly, she instinctually let go of the knob and instead leaned her ear against the door frame. There was a reason for her sudden urge to not go in, but stay by the door. The soft sound of silenced cries that escaped involuntarily.

Her hand crept to the knob again, but just as it was centimetres away her hand dropped to her side. Instead, she placed her bag quietly next to the door and sat down on the floor with her ear laying on the frame. She listened.

<>

As much as she tried to hold it in, the pain came out like an uproar from her throat in the form of a silent scream. Her dark lashes brimmed heavy with tears; her hands clenched into shaking fists in a desperate battle with her harsh reality. A lone tear traced down her cheek, and just like that, the floodgates opened.

When the tears weren’t even halfway done, Eunbi was _empty_.

She couldn’t have cried even if she wanted to. She hadn’t experienced this feeling before. The sadness was still there, but not raw anymore – now it was an empty unhappiness - the kind she didn’t think would easily lift. She stared around her as if she was in a pit. Her surroundings were exactly the same, but they gave her no emotion. How could that be? She needed emotion to feel alive, _to feel love._

Eunbi stared at herself in the mirror, her now red, tear-rimmed eyes staring back at her, with watery streaks falling down her doll-like face. She hastily wiped the tears from her cheeks. Her face was now washed with a dull red, including the very end of her nose. Eunbi would say crying was an emotional release for her, whether it was willingly or unwillingly…

But suddenly she felt as though there was no emotion to release… it was just empty.

Had she cried out her last ounce of emotion, that she could no longer feel anymore?

<>

Hyewon was suddenly reminded of the familiar feeling in Eunbi’s actions. That look… that pause… that sigh… She had foolishly forgotten that Eunbi was human too. Someone who feels and wants to be comforted too. Maybe she was a _menace_ for not talking to Eunbi and just listening to her hidden cries.

She hurts and she _cries_.

But Hyewon couldn’t see the depression in her eyes… because Eunbi _just smiles_

She leaned her head closer to the door frame, a wave of dread consuming her as she overlooked Eunbi’s feelings. Her cries… it was different this time. They sounded hollow, almost empty, and the sudden pause that seemed as though she had—

“Hyewon?” Minju asked with half-lidded eyes, stretching her arms after just leaving her room. Hyewon scurried to her feet, holding her finger on her lips to signal Minju to keep it down. Minju ducked her head, covering her ears. Suddenly wary of her surroundings as she looked around their empty hallway uneasily. “Why are you sitting on the floor?”

Hyewon pulled Minju away from the door and towards the living room. In fear of making Eunbi known to their presence outside “Eunbi is on the phone and I didn’t want to disturb.” she replied, quickly coming up with a viable excuse.

“This late at night?” Minju calmly asked, something Hyewon had completely forgotten. It was almost 1 in the morning after she had returned from the other dorm after playing games with Sakura.

But she played it off with a shrug “Must be someone who lives out of the country.” it seemed to have convinced Minju since she hadn’t asked anymore questions and returned to her room. Hyewon returned to their room. She stared down at the light that leaked from their room.

△▲△

“Earth to Hyewon?” “Hyewon-unnie?”

“I think it’s a hologram” Wonyoung shrugs her shoulders, and Yujin clicks her tongue as she leaned over the table to snatch Hyewon’s phone away from her.

Hyewon swiftly moved out of the way, leaning to her side as she continued playing her game “Not yet,” She grumbled, readjusting her phone in her hand “I’m almost done”

Yujin leaned back into her chair, rolling her eyes as she semi glared at Hyewon “The least you could do is pay attention when you made us pay for our meals”

Hyewon didn’t budge, still fixated on her phone as she heard Wonyoung whisper something to Yujin to console her hurt puppy heart. “Why did you even bother asking us out? You could’ve just tagged along with Chaeyeon and Sakura” Yujin protested even after Wonyoung tried to settle her down

 _And be a third wheel?_ Hyewon though to herself, quickly tossing the idea to the back of her head. She finally placed her phone down a stoic expression on her face. “I can’t deal with their corny jokes” she explained. Only those knowledgeable would know “corny jokes” were just a code name for “PDA” but Hyewon spared the two youngsters from such a sexual term.

“Yet, you can be roommates with Eunbi?” Yujin alerted, and a startled gasp came from her side followed by a hush before they’d be destined for a terrible ending. One where they’d get an earful for being disrespectful or even worse, missing out on the ice cream Hyewon had promised them earlier. “You can’t tell me you enjoy them” A sorrowful whine.

“Please stop” Wonyoung covered Yujin’s mouth before she could say anything more “Your going to get us killed at this rate” Yujin wittily tickled Wonyoung to free herself

She opened her mouth, but Hyewon held her finger up “I’d watch your tone, Daegu is 2 hours away by train from Seoul” Hyewon threatened and Yujin sank back into her chair with a beaten whimper.

“You guys sure make it easy to be spotted in a crowd” another person said and Hyewon felt like her heart sank along with Yujin’s terrible sitting posture. Her breath catching at her throat as she remained fixated on the table, refusing no, determined to not meet the person in the eyes.

“I’m surprised wizones didn’t find you during our long vacation Hyewon” Sakura gave her a knowing look as she took the sit right next to her. “I could hear you yelling from the entrance” Hyewon involuntarily swallowed, straightening her back.

Unlike Hyewon’s heart, Yujin sprang back to life. “Unnie! Your timing couldn’t have been perfect” She cheered, and Hyewon muttered an ‘absolutely freaking perfect’ under her breath and drowning under the noise of the busy restaurant.

“Did you say something?” Wonyoung turned and Hyewon gave her a clueless look, a small shake of her head. Wonyoung wasn’t sure how to describe it, but it seemed like Hyewon had so little yet so much on her mind. Hyewon has always been straightforward and open about her thoughts and feelings, yet somehow it feels like you knew so much, yet so little about her at the same time. As though she said enough to keep you an arm’s length away. The members were close and everyone could tell how someone was feeling just by a glance, but with Hyewon it—

“—I guess you two can get your ice creams now” Hyewon motioned with her hands for the kids to go to the counter to order, but it seemed they needed little encouragement since they ran away before she could even finish her sentence. Kinds and their ice cream…

Sakura gave her a knowing look, which Hyewon simply just shrugged her shoulders “You don’t need to hide, texting me to come over to get them ice cream, you know” Sakura teased, nudging Hyewon’s shoulder with her own. Hyewon hid her smile as she angled her body away. Seeing Sakura’s silly smile suddenly made her feel an indescribable amount of guilt.

“Oh no, I just wanted to give my wallet a little break” It was an outright lie… but she did her best to make it believable. Tapping Sakura’s back before running away to the eager kids at the counter. She failed to not look back when she heard Sakura’s giggling at her. It was _sweet_ ,

They returned with their ice cream, Wonyoung and Yujin doing a little dance in their seats with their delightful treats in hand. Hyewon placed a cup of ice cream in front of Sakura, even though she didn’t ask for one - she already knew which flavour to get.

“Where’s Chaeyeon-unnie?” Wonyoung hopefully asked and Hyewon zoned onto her empty mug instead of the rosy flush on Sakura’s cheeks over the subject the two giants were oblivious to.

“I just bought you ice cream and your asking for someone else?” Sakura chuckled as Wonyoung clasped her cup of ice cream closer to her. “She just went to the restroom with Eunbi” she smiled, and coincidentally the two entered sitting on the table across from them. Asking the server if they could combine their tables together.

After shuffling tables and chairs around, the 4 seated table became a 8 seated table. Their original seats getting shuffled around as well, and a few more members joining them. Hyewon sat at the end of the table, eavesdropping on the nearby conversations as she oversaw the entire table’s interactions.

Yujin and Yena were playfully teasing Minju, tempting her to do something embarrassing after loosing a game of rock, paper, scissors. Wonyoung having to push the two away to give Minju a break and breath. But what caught her eye was the unsettling familiarity on the opposite end of the table. It made her heart echo in her ears, overriding the bustling noises of the restaurant.

Her eyes grazing over the group of three but her eyes were more fixated on Eunbi… glancing over at Chaeyeon as the main dancer chatted with Sakura. The adoration in her eyes as her eyes remained on Chaeyeon throughout the entire conversation.

Hyewon was too far to hear what they were talking about. But it didn’t take much to tell that Eunbi was far too invested in the Chaeyeon than the shared conversation the three were having. She squinted her eyes as she zoned in on Eunbi’s expression that felt tragically familiar.

Yujin rested her chin on her palm as she turned her head towards Hyewon; obviously zoned out of their conversation already, probably staring at the ceiling. “She’s not paying attention again” she whispered to Yena who gave her a playful nudge “What do you think she’s thinking about?”

“Math?” Yena said, this time getting a shove from Yujin “Not funny” and Yena rolled her eyes, rubbing side.

Hyewon shook her head lightly “Yeah, I was just calculating how much a train ticket to Daegu from Seoul is” She tempted, perfecting a glare at Yujin who let out a startled squeak. A begging whine as she rubbed her hands together “Please, I’ve never travelled alone before”

△▲△

Hyewon’s gotten her heart broken by a love that wasn’t meant to be… and fell for a person whose heart will never belong to her.

It’s the same reason she stopped herself from mumbling to Eunbi’s hushed whispers that night. Instead, she placed an earphone into Eunbi’s ear. Hyewon said nothing as a random song from her playlist shuffled. She sat on the edge of the bed next to Eunbi with the other earphone in her ear. Because Hyewon recognised the longing and melancholic heartache. Because Hyewon knew the underlying fear in the startled jolt, Eunbi did when she placed the earphone in her ear as her hands stumbled to her face to wipe away her tears.

Hyewon knew these feelings, she’s been travelling the same melancholic tunnel of unrequited love for almost _two years_. She’s done well to make it unknown.

“Do you think you’ll be getting in the way if you cry in front of us? You may be our leader but you’re not my pride” Hyewon said calmly. She wasn’t here to interrogate Eunbi, it was never her M.O. to figure out her problem and fix it. Unrequited love isn’t a feeling we can forget because it doesn’t come from reciprocity.

“Are you ashamed of me?”

Hyewon paused, looking down at Eunbi. She had her knees tucked close to her chest, her hands lowered away from her face compared to before, as though she was trying to hide the tears that had escaped. A flicker of empathy pricked at Hyewon’s heart that made her soften.

“And I don’t want to be your pride. It’s very tiring to live as someone’s pride and joy” Hyewon scooted off the bed, taking a seat next to Eunbi on the floor. “You’re afraid of disappointing the person, so you pretend you’re strong and competent.” Hyewon stared at Eunbi for a few moments, watching the different shades of emotions dance in her eyes.

Eunbi was the person who heard everyone’s worries, and she did her best to consult every single one of them. It didn’t seem fair that Eunbi knew everyone’s worries, but no one knew hers. Hyewon zones in on the little quivers in Eunbi’s eyes with every word she said. _Wouldn’t it be too miserable to carry everyone’s worries on top of her own_.

“Let’s not be each other’s pride and joy. Let’s just be Hyewon and Eunbi” She said in a low voice as she pointed at herself then at Eunbi. Her finger hovering in front of Eunbi’s heart and Eunbi’s expression cleared up. Her gaze grew gentler with relief.

Hyewon formed a thin smile before fixing her gaze at the ceiling.

Eunbi didn’t say much afterwards, but she no longer sat with her knees tucked and she looked more relaxed. Eunbi didn’t say the reason why she cried every night, but Hyewon wasn’t there to interrogate her. But Eunbi felt better, and for once… she had the chance to not feel so _alone_.


	3. Lost Long Ago

Hyewon’s eyes flickered open to the space on the other side of the bed. She rolled over to her side, checking the time on her phone. Already knowing where she would find where her roommate would be. She leaned against the archway that separated the dining room from the kitchen. She glanced over at the dining table; it hadn’t been set.

Her eyes returned to the busybody in the kitchen, plates lined along the countertop next to the stovetop. She watched Eunbi transitioning between the different pans, attending to the food. Her ambition was there except she couldn’t flip the food she was cooking, moving the spatula in various angles to flip the food only for it to slide back into the pan. She’d let out a few frustrated sighs and then make another attempt to flip the food.

Hyewon pushed herself off the wall, frowning at Eunbi’s failed attempts. She shooed the girl away with one hand and took the spatula with the other. Successfully flipping the food, Eunbi had been struggling for the past few minutes with ease. Eunbi’s brows furrowed as she watched with crossed arms at the food that she had been struggling to cook. How Hyewon picked up and plated the food into the plates she had prepared beforehand.

She passed a few plates to Eunbi, but taking the majority in her own hands before walking towards the dining table. She could feel the weight of Eunbi’s gaze on her as she set the table, but neither said a word and continued with prepping breakfast for the rest of the dorm.

Only until Eunbi stopped her before she could call the rest for breakfast, holding onto the seam of her sleeve. “Do you not want me to call them for breakfast?” She asked calmly, but it had the opposite effect on Eunbi as she saw the crease between her brows grow deeper. There was a temptation to flick her forehead to make her stop, but the hostile aura coming from Eunbi despite her cute appearance of holding onto her sleeve. It would be best if she didn’t…

“You’re not going to ask me about last night?”

“Would you tell me the truth if I did?” Eunbi bit the inside of her cheeks, unable to answer the question - or rather trying not to prove the hidden answer right. “I’m not interested in what already has happened anyway” Hyewon finished, seeing the pause in Eunbi’s actions.

There’s a fake _transparency_ with Eunbi. This was something Hyewon only grew to know recently. Being with her every day and talking to her, it makes you believe that you know everything about her. But in reality, she was so different from what one would think. Maybe it was because she refused to see what hid underneath her words, or that she fell into the belief that Eunbi was always fine.

She wasn’t sure, but she knows she was wrong… devastatingly wrong.

“It’ll only sounds like an excuse even if you told me the truth” Hyewon spoke out, gently moving Eunbi to the side. So she could go call the rest for breakfast.

Oddly, her words stung Eunbi. There was a feeling that lingered even after Hyewon had turned her back to her and no longer stood in front of her.

And then Hyewon stopped in the middle of the hallway, turning her head back to Eunbi. “To me, what you’re going to do in the future is more important” She gave a thin smile before acting like the past few events hadn’t happened. Missing Eunbi’s tight lipped expression, staring at Hyewon’s receding back. Wondering whether she should grab onto it or watch it walk away.

In the end, Eunbi turned around. Unable to watch or grab onto it… 

△▲△

It was strange.

There was an unwavering weight that felt way too similar to one’s gaze on her. Yet whenever she looked around, no one was looking at her. So why did it feel like someone was?

“Eunbi-unnie here’s you water” Minju said, handing her the bottle of water she had asked for. She took a sip from hers and looked around, trying to figure out what Eunbi was looking for. “Do you need something else?”

Eunbi waved her hands out “Oh no! It just feels like I’m forgetting something” she reasoned, although her answer was vague. Minju nodded her head, taking another glance around before shrugging her shoulders.

Eunbi looked down at her unopened bottle of water. She felt the weight disappear for a moment. She wishes she could’ve stayed in that motionless moment for a little more. As the moment she looked up from her bottled water, it was replaced by a throbbing pain that didn’t compare to that inconsiderable weight. The aching throb that refused to die peacefully.

It would return at the most spontaneous moments, but there was only one reason for its return. And they had just laughed across the room, cuddled together on the couch. Their affection unbeknownst to everyone but her. It was all she could see in a green room of busybodies that attended to the idols. Once again she stood motionless as everyone else continued on.

Her grip tightened around the water bottle, desperate for time to move faster. Or for someone to call her to do something, anything that could distract her. The aching throb continued to mock her pathetic state as she stood there helplessly with her bottled water. The weight of someone’s gaze returned, but it went unnoticed, compared to the aching throb that took away all her senses. 

△▲△

Someone must’ve severely pushed Eunbi’s buttons today. Was the thought that was going through all the members’ heads at that moment as Eunbi shook her head, rustling her hair with her fingers and telling them to repeat the choreography once more. They were running out of breath and were desperate for a break at this point, repeating the same choreography for the nth time.

Exhaustion was eminent on their faces, half of them already giving up on adding in any special expressions and gestures in their parts. Going through the parts quiet sluggishly, missing some of the movements. The urge of wanting to collapse onto the floor right at that moment only growing. Even through this Eunbi stopped the music, yelling out names for not doing their moves properly and messing up the choreography. Repeating the dreaded word they no longer wanted to hear “Again” Eunbi would shout and replay the music.

The members looked at one another, mouthing their worries and questions about what on earth had caused Eunbi to be this brutal during practice. The older members only being able to pat the younger member’s backs and trying their best to encourage them to do it once more, even though their own engines were running out too.

“How many times do you think she’s going to make us do this until we get a break?” Yujin asked out of breath, barely able to get her words out in between her breaths. Her hands on her knees, trying to catch her breath

“I think she’s planning on one of us collapsing on the floor” Yena tried to joke, but her lack of energy made it sound more sarcastic than funny. Nobody else could bring themselves to fake a laugh either.

“Can’t we ask for a break?” Wonyoung asked and looking at the semi mortified looks on the others. It would probably make Eunbi even worse than she was already now, keeping her mouth shut and prepared for another brutal run through.

“We can do it. I’m sure this will be the last one so lets try our best” Hyewon said trying to encourage her members, but the weak smiles they all showed weren’t very convincing. She stared back at Eunbi through the mirror, wondering if something was wrong with her.

It wasn’t a thought, she could classify it as a fact. The amount of huffs and clicks of her tongue was enough of a tell to show she was everything but alright. But should she say something? She bit down on her tongue and turned around to look for the answer herself. Except someone had beaten her to it.

“We need a break, look at them” Chaeyeon continued with her statement, her expression full of worry at the state of the members.

Eunbi’s gaze softened from guilt at seeing the state her kids were in. Out of breath, barely standing up straight, sweat running down their foreheads. “Okay, 10 minute break” she announced and the members secretly cheered. A few taking note to treat Chaeyeon later for saving them from Eunbi’s wrath. They all sped walked towards their water bottles and falling on their backs onto the floor.

Chaeyeon grabbed Eunbi’s wrist, quickly taking her out of the practice room while everyone else was preoccupied. “Are you okay?” she started, after letting go of Eunbi’s wrist, but Eunbi’s eyes were still on her wrist where Chaeyeon’s hand was previously was. The burning sensation still present.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” She answered, after rubbing the sensation on the back of her shirt. Keeping her hands held behind her back, trying to ignore the feeling.

Chaeyeon’s eyes furrowed, mentally taking a step back. Eunbi’s words and actions clearly didn’t match, but the assertive tone from Eunbi told her not to worry. “Your shoelace is untied” she pointed out, quickly driving the conversation away from the topic.

Eunbi took a step back to look at her untied shoelace. She knelt down to tie it but Chaeyeon waved her hand saying she’d do it. Chaeyeon smiled to herself as she tied Eunbi’s shoelaces, taking extra care and double knotting it so she wouldn’t trip on them if they were untied during practice. “You know those 10 girls in there are really trying their best” she said as she stood back up, wiping the dust off her pants “But don’t forget they’re still kids too so don’t be too hard on them” She smiled patting Eunbi’s back and pushing her back into the practice room.

“But more importantly, don’t be too hard on yourself, you’re a kid too” Chaeyeon teased, elbowing Eunbi’s side before running to her water bottle.

Eunbi let out a small chuckle. Being a kid seemed like a distant imagination. She placed a hand on her right side, slightly clutching on the small sting that electrified a warmth to the rest of her body. She couldn’t hide the smile that grew on her face. One moment with _her_ and suddenly all her worries disappeared.

Effortlessly, _she_ discarded all of her worries. Yet, every moment without _her_ was filled with worries of _her_. She craved for every moment to be with _her_. Would it be too selfish for her to hold on to _this_? Even if it only consisted of pain?

△▲△

Yujin busted through the door, whining about how Minju wasn’t home to help her with homework and went to ask Chaewon and Yena which was already a mistake knowing they wouldn’t be much help (proven correctly as they had just spent the past 2 hours goofing around) so she came to Hyewon like a defeated puppy asking for help on her homework.

“Hyewon-unnie please! You’re my last hope,” She pleaded, holding out her homework in front of her. Hyewon sighed, staring at the desperate stray pup that had come to her room. She glanced down at the homework, seemed like it was some math. To be expected, if Yujin ever came to her for help on any subject, it would be math.

“Okay, I’ll help you” Hyewon agreed, taking the pieces of paper away from Yujin and shooing her to close the door she had previously busted through. She flattened the crumpled pieces of paper and laid it out on her desk, pulling another chair for Yujin to sit on.

Hyewon smiled as she leaned her cheek into her hand, watching Yujin solve most of the problems herself only coming to ask her every now and then. She knew Yujin was more than capable to know how to solve the problems, she only needed a peaceful environment so she wouldn’t get distracted. Hyewon patted Yujin’s head, paired with a warm smile at how well she finished her homework so quickly “See! You didn’t even need my help, you basically did it yourself”

Yujin giggled at the warm praise, proud that she had done her procrastinated homework finally. “You think so?” She said as she stretched her long limbs and back from crouching over the desk before falling onto the bed behind her.

“I know so” Hyewon congratulated, sorting her homework together and swirling around in her chair “Just stay away from Yena and Chaewon, you’ll never get any work done” She joked, but it was more true than anything.

Yujin looked side to side, seeing the plushie filled bed. Various bunny and piglet plushies arranged at the head of the board that took up most of the bed. “Are all of these Eunbi-unnies?” she asked, picking up one of the piglet plushies and throwing it up and catching it. Hyewon laughed, looking at all the plushies Eunbi had neatly organized on top of their pillows before answering with a ‘yeah’

“Do you even have space?” Yujin laughed, tossing the plushie in the air and catching it again.

“No” she said sarcastically, “I don’t even think it’s my bed, It’s Eunbis and all those darn plushies” she laughed, although their bed could easily fit 2 people. The new additions of Eunbi’s collection of stuffed animals barely left any room for Hyewon. But she didn’t mind, even if she’d wake up sneezing from the dust they’d collect (okay, maybe she did mind them, but for Eunbi she’ll deal with it for now)

“Why don’t you just throw them when you go to bed?” Yujin questioned, throwing the piglet at Hyewon and grabbing another plushie to play with

“I wouldn’t see the next morning if I did” Hyewon reasoned with a sarcastic tone, throwing the plushie straight smack at Yujin’s face. Who dramatically fell backwards pretending to be in pain, although she was only hit by fluff and polyfill. “Did you forget the owner of these damn things?” she joked

Yujin was about to throw the plushie back at Hyewon, but at the question she remembered they were Eunbi’s. Letting out a breathy laugh, she gently placed the plushies back where she had taken them. She set them down gently and with a pat on the head each. She’d be caught dead if Eunbi ever saw her launching them around.

Hyewon rolled Yujin’s homework in a roll and smacked her in the head, to playfully knock some sense into her. “Now go back to studying, I know you have a test tomorrow that you didn’t study for” She said sternly, handing her homework back.

“How did you know!” Yujin asked, mortified. Gasping as she placed her hand to her chest in a betrayed motion. She had told no one about her test tomorrow, that she purposely didn’t study for because she had been procrastinating it for the past few days.

Hyewon raised an eyebrow, in shock that her wild guess was accurate “You just told me, now go study!” She threatened, raising her leg to return one of Yujin’s iconic karate kicks to her bum for not studying. To which Yujin ran out of the room without hesitation, screaming down the hallway as she went into her room.

Hyewon snickered, closing the door “Kids these days” she clicked her tongue   
  


△▲△

Chaeyeon fumbled with her phone, quickly turning her alarm off. She didn’t want to wake up her roommate as it was only 4 in the morning and her roommate was well asleep, since Sakura didn’t pull her usual all nighters to play games. Some would say it would be too early to practice, but Chaeyeon thought the opposite.

Only an hour ago the blackness was absolute, but now the mist was visible, silvery. The light is barely there, like a feeling that’s difficult to get a grasp on. She stared out at the small peak hole in the curtain she had barely pulled back. The dawn came with a musical silence; the soul hearing the melody that the ears could not. A different energy flowed through you and it made her body move in ways she could never experience in the middle of the day. As if she had hyper senses that made the rhythm of the beat louder, more vibrant.

She smiled, doing a few excited steps as she closed the curtains. Although she loved the morning sunlight, her roommate was sensitive to the sun early in the morning. She leaned down in front of Sakura, holding her knees close to her chest as she watched the sleeping beauty for a few moments. She was lucky, that’s how she’d describe this unbelievable feeling.

She brushed a strand of her hair behind her cute ears. She tilted her head to see the sleeping beauty more clearly. One could go on about the beauty of their lover, but all the words she’d try to find in all of her love, lost in all that she does. It was like Sakura was a song she heard when she was a little kid, but forgot she knew until she heard it again. And all she can do is try to figure out the lyrics, but she’d be too lost in the melody to figure it out.

So that’s why she can’t let go and just take it slow. See where it goes. Cause she never really knows, even though she can feel it in her soul.

She smiled, booping Sakura’s nose with her pointer finger. Indeed, it is beautiful to express love and even more beautiful to feel it. It’s like the dawn, how often we see the dawn and take it for granted. The sunlight that fills the air, gently kissing the faces of all good things that are wild and free. The peace felt in those fleeting seconds becomes eternal.

She was in love, and it scared her.

△▲△

Step by step, Eunbi danced from one end of the practice room to the other. Her movements were on autopilot, each dance move on beat. Her legs extended out, and she glided from place to place. One move after another. She executed it with ease, but it left an unsatisfactory taste in her mouth. She’d meet her reflection in the mirror and all she could see was the small displaced detail in her footing, her hair or her arm.

Her moves become hasted, going quicker than the music. Slowly she missed one beat after another, her footwork unable to match the quick pace she had transitioned into. In the choreograph that composed of a twirl, she approached the next move. She tripped over her foot, her body unable to cope with the fast pace and falling onto floor with a thud.

She let out a defeated sigh, laying flat on her back not having the will to get up anymore. She was exhausted, burnt out. Mentally and physically, but mostly she wanted this pulsating echo to disappear. She lightly hit the centre of her chest with her fist. As if she was knocking on a door, letting her existence be known to the ache and politely ask it to stop.

Then it’d respond with a louder pulse that echoed her ears, that it would drown out the music around her momentarily. Then she’d try once more and only receive the same response repeatedly. She was lying on the floor, with the lights bright and the music booming in the practice room.

She didn’t even realise the music had stopped and shuffled to another one.

<>

It surprised Chaeyeon to hear the booming of music in the hallway. No one ever practised this early a part from Yuri and Minju. But Minju preferred to practice late and night and leave early in the morning, and Yuri was often in the recording studio instead of the practice rooms.

But it didn’t surprise her to see who was practicing inside, their leader, Eunbi. Unexpectedly laying on the floor, repeatedly hitting her chest with her hand the lights on. She found it adorable. How small Eunbi looked on the floor, staring endlessly at the ceiling. She smiled as she took a picture of their leader looking extra small, but zooming into the picture Eunbi seemed a bit more sad than usual.

She looked up from her phone, staring at her leader. Eunbi still hadn’t moved an inch and still repeated the same movements. Even after she had entered the practice room, Eunbi paid no attention to her. She questioned whether Eunbi knew she was in the room.

She moved towards the sound system, changing the music into a more light-hearted one. Looking for a reaction from Eunbi, there was none. She huffed her lips and moved to the lights and flickered it on and off. She had finally gotten her attention. It was eminent when Eunbi gradually sat up from the floor and looked around the room.

There was a little jump when Eunbi met eyes with Chaeyeon. “Hello to you too” Chaeyeon teased, waving her hand “Was that a new dance move?” She frowned when she received no response from Eunbi, except for her plopping back into her previous position. This time Eunbi had her eyes closed and was trying to suppress a groan or a sigh.

Chaeyeon shrugged her shoulders, changing the music once more, this time to an upbeat and danceable song. Chaeyeon turned the lights off and started dancing. She didn’t put any thought into her moves, letting the music guide her and following her gut on what she should do next. She wasn’t showing off, only simply dancing for fun.

Eunbi sat up, this time hearing the shuffle of a new song and the sound of squeaks that came from Chaeyeon’s shoes whenever she twirled. It took a moment for her eyes to adjust to the darkness, but when it did. She wanted to capture the moment. The hidden smile, still bright even with the lack of light. The effortless sway in her movements as she followed the music with no thought. Chaeyeon’s warm expression that displayed how much fun she was having at that moment.

She spent the first few minutes just watching her dance in the dark. Until Chaeyeon held her hands out, bringing Eunbi off the floor. She’d push and pull with her hands, that’d make them do a small partner dance until she had successfully gotten Eunbi into the mood to just let go and dance without a care.

Shuffling, gliding, and twirling one another around the practice room. Without a care about hitting the beats or the precision of each movement. They danced into the early morning, the dark practice room slowly getting lit by the soft shimmering rays as the sun rises. They danced to the music, letting the moment sink in, soothe them from their core right out to where the nascent rays barely touched their skin.

Once more the sun had risen, and another day had begun. One that wasn’t promised but was grateful that it came. Although a new day meant differently to each dancer…  
  


△▲△

The filming had run late, and the sun had long set. They were in the countryside filming for a new variety show, so the stars were in full shine. It shined with no restraint of the city lights, in their full form, glimmering brightly with their soft off white colour.

Sakura stretched her arms up, letting out a little groan full from all the food she had eaten. She leaned against the railing of the terrace next to Hyewon. “I’m surprised you were the first one to leave the table” she said with a little giggle

Hyewon shrugged her shoulders, peering at Sakura, trying not to stare in admiration, but the look in her eyes weren’t anything but that. “Didn’t have the appetite today” she let out slowly, her heartbeat echoing in her ears, clenching her sweaty palms together.

“Wow!” Sakura exclaimed, taking Hyewon’s attention away from her hands “I’ve never seen so many stars in the stars in the sky like this” Sakura tilted her head up to take in the starry night and Hyewon followed with her. Indeed, there were a lot of stars tonight, not a single cloud in sight, the dark sky filled with its twinkling lights.

“I guess that’s because we live in the city” Hyewon reasoned, after all they lived in the centre of Seoul. Where apartment buildings and offices stood tall on all sides. City lights that shined all throughout the night, displaying its various neon colours.

“Times like this, makes me miss Japan and my home” Sakura reminisced, silently counting the stars in her head. Hyewon turned her head to the girl, her head leaning against her propped hand watching the various twinkles in Sakura’s eyes as she counted the stars. “At night I could see the bright stars just like these from my bedroom window”

Unknowingly Hyewon smiled, seeing the soft smile tug at the corner of Sakura’s lips. “I wish we can stay here” her voice sounded more wistful despite the beautiful moment (both the sky and the girl next to her)

“I guess you don’t want to go home, huh” Sakura rebuked, but her playful tone disappeared when she saw the unusual longing look on Hyewon. It was only there for a second before her expression turned neutral, but it rang in her head mostly at the reason at how quickly it disappeared.

“It’s just you know… peaceful here” Hyewon said, tiptoeing around the true reason. Something’s been eating her out, and no it wasn’t her love for Sakura. That was more of a quiet throb in the back of her head now, but this one was made her heartbeat echo in ears, her stomach drag across the floor (she’d almost believe it’s worse than unrequited love)

It made the emptiness that had burrowed in her chest, blossom. If it was a puddle then, she was drowning it in now. The feeling of knowing she was in the wrong and needed to do something, yet she continued to not do anything… instead she watched. And slowly this feeling bled into every part of her life. It showed her how useless she was. How she had nothing to contribute to the group as a person or as a whole, how incredibly _lost_ she was. She lost to nothingness… now she was _lost in nothingness._

“I kind of feel out of place” Hyewon said, paired with an awkward laugh. “Maybe it’s because I’m not a good person because I’m always letting _everyone_ down” her tone dropped at the word ‘everyone’, secretly hoping Sakura didn’t catch the hidden meaning. 

She missed it…

“I think I get it” Her words shocked Hyewon, but it faded when she continued with her explanation “You want to be as bright as the moon but feel as though you’re just a star that’s as tiny as a dust particle. Right?” Sakura turned to Hyewon with an expecting look on her face.

Hyewon blew air out of her nose, she didn’t have to see the smile on Sakura’s face. It was clear in her voice, her high anticipation. “Almost, but those stars are fixed stars. The moon is a natural satellite. The stars may look like tiny dust particles, but I bet most of them are a lot bigger than the moon” Hyewon corrected, wanting to tease Sakura, lightly drifting the topic away.

Sakura shook her head as she pouted “I think it’s a good analogy. See, you’re that star over there” she said pointing at a distant star on her tippy toes, Hyewon following the direction of her pointed finger “That tiny fixed star that is much bigger than the moon.”

Sakura stared at Hyewon, her hand still outstretched “So don’t run away. I’m sure everyone will realise it, eventually. Like I did”

Hyewon just stared back and Sakura grinned. She looked right back; it felt like one big whirlwind.

_One big emotional whirlwind._   
  


△▲△

The rest of the floor dark and lights off after all the employees had left their cubicles. Leaving only Eunbi in the brightly lit room in the meeting room, crouched over whatever pile of papers that could distract her from her problems that’ve become a daily occurrence.

The walls around Eunbi were doubtless grey walls to many in the fairly recent past, yet now it was an unfamiliar confined concrete space. The light fell on the words of her opaque white printer paper. Unaware that its audience had vanished, and she was the only one left to read its repetitive words and numbers

And in that moment all she wished for was another beating heart in this empty office floor, another being of warm blood and flesh, one more lost soul to walk next to her.

_How much longer do I have to go?_

She loved being the leader, but she hated the weight that came with it. Especially if she had to yell at the girls. Luckily she had members who were responsible and hardworking who did their best to not pile more pressure on Eunbi. She was grateful that they were always considerate, and try not to be affected when she uses criticism that comes off a little too harsh at times (even if it hurt, they tried their best not to show it) but Eunbi could always tell with a single glance, that she’d solve with a little comforting and apologies at the end of the session.

And _of course,_ it was a good excuse to push _it_ to the very back of her mind - thoughts that taunt her at night. The extra workload that came with comebacks made her too tired to do anything but sleep. She made sure to have her mind occupied every second of the day, whether it was looking over, meeting notes, monitoring their practices. Even when they had day offs, she’d recheck everything. Not wanting to spare a single moment for her thoughts to —

“Unnie why are you still here?” Chaeyeon asked with a concerned look as she walked into the meeting room, and Eunbi teetered her head up to see the newcomer. The room spinning for a moment.

“We were all waiting for you to get home so we could play Monopoly”

Eunbi blurrily got up from her seat, shooting her gaze to the clock. “Oh, _shit._ ”

“How many hours have you been here?” Chaeyeon curiously asked, surprised by the sudden curse that left their leader’s mouth. Glancing down at the piles of papers in front of Eunbi, she had a good reason for saying it.

The fine printed letters ascended from its white background and float around her. “Just a few” she mumbled on her breath, her hands limply gathering the papers together into one pile. She felt her stomach sink with each paper she piled on top.

“I think a _few_ might be an understatement” She raised a brow as Eunbi attempted to take a step towards the door, tripping on her foot and weakly grabbed onto the edge of the table to balance herself. “Let me help you” she followed, taking Eunbi’s hand, but the former pushed with one hand and pulled her hand away from Chaeyeon’s.

A small, simple smile “I’m fine, please just give me some time”

“Unnie, you’re already doing your best. You’re going to hurt yourself” Chaeyeon reasoned, but Eunbi shook her head.

 _She wasn’t doing enough_. Because Eunbi was on the brink of crumbling that morning when she woke up with a suffocating weight on her shoulders that morning. Chaeyeon who was dependable and reliable, Chaeyeon who had enough time for her friends, family and even had a girlfriend. Chaeyeon who never made Eunbi worry about her because she was organized and had a perfectly happy life, one straight out of a fairytale. (One she completely envied)

Eunbi felt her throat close, suddenly finding the room suffocating “Go first, I’ll catch up.” Chaeyeon gave her a wary look and Eunbi shrugged her off “I promise, give me five minutes”

Eunbi took a step back, staring at the back of Chaeyeon’s figure disappearing behind the translucent door “How long has it been since I was lost?” she pondered as the same helplessness returned.

 _When did it happen?_ Was all that echoed before she fell into the depths of the dark abyss.

△▲△

She wouldn’t classify herself as someone who had it easy, maybe calling herself a lucky person would be more accurate. Where she is now was anything but simple. But she is lucky to be here, to have a supportive family, precious friends, and to be with Sakura. It almost feels like a dream, the fear that one day she’ll wake up and everything just disappears in front of her.

So she tries her best; to not worry anyone, but mostly not to burden them since she wouldn’t have been here without luck. One could argue that she’s gotten here all because of her skills and hard work, but it still wouldn’t outweigh the fact that there will always be a little luck involved—

“Chaeyeon? Half of your water’s already boiled away.” Sakura pointed out, before filling up her own cup with water from the water dispenser. She looked at Sakura with a dull expression that asked her to repeat the question. Sakura pointed at the pot Chaeyeon had used for boiling water on the stove, the water almost completely gone.

Chaeyeon yelped, quickly taking the pot out of the stove and turning it off. She sighed, staring at the small amount of water she had left inside, after filling the whole pot. Sakura leaned against the counter, peeking at the almost empty pot. “Thinking of something?” She asked simply as she took a sip from her cup.

Chaeyeon paused for a moment, staring at Sakura. “Do you ever think this is a dream?” she asked, finally settling on the right words to ask that wouldn’t give away too much. Sakura perked an eyebrow, taking another sip from her cup. “This, you know everything…” She scratched her nape, questioning whether or not she sounded sane. She was about to dismiss the question when Sakura didn’t reply.

“If it’s a dream” Sakura started, and she turned around to face the girl again. “Then I’ll be able to experience it twice then” She said smiling at Chaeyeon with no intention behind it, except her honest thoughts.

“Twice?” Chaeyeon repeated and Sakura hummed, nodding her head.

“People say dreams reveal our predetermined path. So if I’m in a dream now, then when I wake up I’ll wait until I get to experience this in the future” Sakura came closer giving Chaeyeon a hug, it was warm and tight. She tiptoed slightly to whisper in her ear, “So don’t be afraid that it’ll disappear when you wake up. I’ll wait until our futures meet again” She smiled warmly as she stared at Chaeyeon’s features, her eyes slowly following the soft curves of her facial structure.

Chaeyeon smiled, finding Sakura’s warmth infectious. Sometimes it surprised her how well Sakura understood her, much like now. When she tried not to show her worries, her effort was in vain as Sakura could read her like a perfect book. Even if she didn’t understand some of the words, she’ll just have to explain some of them to her.

Sakura’s arms rested around Chaeyeon’s neck “Why are you smiling like that?” Chaeyeon pulled Sakura closer, placing a chaste kiss on her lips before smiling once again.

“I just remembered how you said you could read that book you borrowed, yet you still asked me to explain something last night” She giggled into Sakura’s lips, receiving a small hit on her shoulder from Sakura. 

△▲△

Eunbi scrunched her nose, waking up to the smell of alcohol and sterilized equipment. A small sting on her left arm after being inserted by a foreign object grabbed her attention first. She blinked a few times, staring up at the polystyrene tiled ceiling. She turned her head after the ache had subsided, seeing that there was an IV running into her arm from a needle.

“You’re awake,” Chaewon said bluntly. Shortly after she and Chaeyeon had interrupted Eunbi in the meeting room and were on their way to practice, Eunbi had collapsed onto the floor. From the doctor’s words, it was from dehydration and exhaustion and immense stress on her body. They immediately rushed her to the hospital. “ _Chaeyeon_ and the others are at practice, since they still have their schedules.”

Eunbi slurred a few hums in between Chaewon’s explanation as she sat up. She examined the curtained cubical they were in, specifically separate from other patients for idols and other artists. She grabbed at her IV—

“It’s not empty yet” A second voice warned, somehow sounding more monotone than Chaewon earlier. Hyewon appeared from behind the curtained doorway. She swatted Eunbi’s hand away from the IV needle and pushed her with two fingers back down onto the bed before taking a seat next to Chaewon, crossing her arms and legs.

“As I was saying” Chaewon continued where she left off before Hyewon had entered the room, side eyeing the girl “Hyewon kept them at practice and she volunteered to take you back home since she’s your roommate” She said putting emphasis on the word ‘roommate’. She looked around, waiting for a response from the two, but the silence gave her the answer. “I’ll leave you two then, I’m heading back to the office”

After Chaewon had left, Hyewon resumed playing a game on her phone and Eunbi took the chance to remove her IV. “It’s _not_ done yet,” Hyewon reminded without looking up from her phone screen. Eunbi scowled at how persistent Hyewon was or how she got caught, even though she wasn’t looking.

“Did I worry you guys?” Eunbi breathed out, worried to hear the answer. She hoped Hyewon was too preoccupied with her game to see her clenched fists and worried eyes. She kept her eyes on the ceiling, unable to face Hyewon.

“Do you want me to answer?” She replied, and Eunbi felt her breath hitch. “Chaeyeon and I calmed them down after some whining about wanting to smother you with hugs and kisses” she joked, trying to lift the mood. She heard Eunbi let out a relieved exhale as she let go of her grip on the bed sheets.

“Are you going to ask me about what happened?” It intrigued her. Although it was true that Hyewon was the group’s mental rock, but it felt unnatural. How Hyewon showed no interest in her, even after that night. This was the second time Hyewon didn’t push for answers, or at the very least asked if she was alright.

“I’ll answer your question if you’ll answer mine” Hyewon for the first time looked up from her phone and Eunbi stared deeply back at her. Hyewon felt the familiarity in the look in Eunbi’s eyes, it strangely mimicked the feeling of looking into the mirror. “Would you tell me the truth if I ask?”

Eunbi shrugged her shoulders, falling back onto the bed. She really wanted to remove the IV in her arm. “Depends what you’re asking about” Hyewon kept her eyes locked onto the blonde haired girl. A silence fell over them for a moment before she rumbled a small hum before returning to her phone.

The frown on Eunbi’s face deepened. It took her another while of just silently staring at Hyewon busily playing on her phone until Eunbi finally let out a deep sigh and laid her back on the stiff bed she was in. But every now and then she’d glance back, as if something was telling her there was more to Hyewon’s silence.

She laid still in the bed, examining the polystyrene ceiling. Suddenly her throat felt like closing, as if she couldn’t hold it in any longer. She was suffocating… she had to tell someone…

“Hyewon…” She croaked. It came out so quietly that she hadn’t expected Hyewon to hear her at first. But immediately Hyewon stopped herself at the sound of the quiet voice. She looked away from the screen of her phone and shifted her eyes to Eunbi. There was a shift in her expression that enticed Eunbi to spill it all out.

“Hyewon, I feel strange…” Eunbi finally said. Hyewon was silent for a moment, uncrossing her legs and scooting closer to the bed. “I think I’m sick… I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to move. I feel sleepy.” Hyewon’s eyebrows furrowed slightly, glancing around the hospital room and the IV drip that was almost empty. Before it returned to a neutral expression.

“It’s so frustrating, it makes me so sad. And I don’t know what it is” Hyewon never looked away, her eyes remained fixated on Eunbi. “What should I do?” the ache in her chest bled into her voice, her lips trembled as she finished.

Hyewon stood up slowly in front of Eunbi and pulled her closer to her, wrapping her arms around Eunbi - She didn’t hesitate to go into Hyewon’s arms. Her hand nestling behind Eunbi’s head, cupping it warmly. She didn’t want to leave. It felt as though when she was in her arms, all her pain went away - mentally and physically, mostly the depressing pain. And suddenly she realised there was a chance to not be alone…

“Eunbi... you can cry in front of me.” Her voice was soft and low, unsure of the right things to say. But she felt the sharp inhale Eunbi took at her chest. “Eunbi, it must’ve been hard for you.” She hushed, gently running her hand through Eunbi’s hair and like a switch a wail escaped from her lips, and then another until she stopped holding back.

Hyewon stared up at the polystyrene ceiling, her heartbeat echoing in her ears once more. She stroked Eunbi’s short hair slowly, restraining herself to show anything more on her face but the stoic expression she had displayed. She stayed silent, unsure of the right things to say…

But the silence spoke volumes. 

Because Hyewon knew a little thing about unrequited love and the hollow ache that haunts her in that realisation. For that reason, she held Eunbi quietly. Hoping maybe, just maybe, this melancholic tunnel wouldn’t be so _lonely_.   
  


△▲△

When Hyewon picked up Eunbi’s belongings, looking at her sullen body hunched over herself and her legs hanging off the bed. It didn’t take a genius to know Eunbi didn’t want to go home. Eunbi didn’t want to leave, she didn’t want to face everyone, moreover she didn’t think she could face Chaeyeon - who probably had soup prepared for her, and she was unsure whether she could stop herself from crying again.

Hyewon abruptly left the room with a small wait, leaving Eunbi’s belongings on the floor. Eunbi hadn’t even moved an inch, unbothered by everything. “Here, get on’’ she heard, unsure how long Hyewon was gone for before she had shown up with a wheelchair. Hyewon motioned towards the chair once more. Eunbi stared with a perked eyebrow “Don’t tell me you want me to carry you into it too”

Hyewon figured it wouldn’t harm anyone to stay at the hospital for a few extra hours, doing nothing but simply roaming around and staring at the new white wall that appeared behind the corner. They walked around in silence, their head turning to a beep of a machine that had piqued their interest or to greet a passing nurse or doctor.

It got late into the evening, maybe around 8 or 9. Eunbi could hear the soft growl that came from Hyewon’s stomach as she continued to push her around. She’d point at a vending machine here and there, but Hyewon never stopped for a snack, surprisingly determined to push Eunbi around despite her hunger.

“Can we go in there?” Eunbi asked, pointing at the gift shop inside the hospital lobby. She stared up at Hyewon, waiting for a reaction and getting a small nod as she obediently rolled the chair into the gift shop.

Hyewon slowed the pace, allowing Eunbi to scan at the various ‘get well soon’ gifts inside. She watched Eunbi intently as Eunbi leaned forward, picking up a few to look at them more thoroughly, saying a few ‘oo’s and ah’s’ and holding it up for Hyewon to see. She’d give a few nods, although she had no interest in the product.

Continuing on their little cruise around the gift shop, Eunbi held her hand up “Wait!” she’d call out before picking up the small object that had caught her attention. Hyewon squinted her eyes as she leaned down to look at the object Eunbi fumbled to try and open, “I didn’t know they still have compasses.”

“Because there are always people who get lost” Hyewon commented, reaching her hand down and opening the compass for Eunbi. She intently watched the arrow inside move towards the north pole as she changed the direction of the compass. She paused, holding the compass in her lap. It’s arrow proudly pointing towards the north - pointing _straight at her_.

She hummed, before returning the compass back to its stand. A sullen expression on her face as she glanced at the compass once more, “It’s kind of pointless, don’t you think?” she joked, drifting the conversation elsewhere, suddenly uncomfortable hearing the _last_ word.

“Don’t pointless things have a place, too, in this far-from-perfect world?” Hyewon asked as she watched Eunbi fiddled with her thumbs on her lap. She pushed themselves to a halt in front of the stuffed animals, picking out a rabbit plushie from the group and lightly combing its fluff. “Remove everything pointless from an imperfect life, and it’d lose even its imperfection”

She kneeled down to meet Eunbi in the eyes. “Should we get this one?” She asked, dancing the stuffed bunny on Eunbi’s lap with a small smile. Eunbi nodded her head with a little ‘okay’ before Hyewon gave her the plushie to hold in her hand and pushed them towards the counter.

They sat on a bench outside the hospital, waiting for their manager to pull up with the van. Hyewon held onto both of their bags as Eunbi sat on her _right_ , dangling her legs. Hyewon placed the stuffed bunny on Eunbi’s lap, moving its legs to do a little dance. “Here’s your new baby to add to your collection”

Eunbi smiled, pulling the bunny into a tight hug “They’re going at the centre” she said, holding up the stuffed bunny in the air to admire its soft off white colour and baby pink paws.

“Great, even less space for me” Hyewon rebuked, rolling her eyes at her as Eunbi giggled at her reaction.

“Thank you for today” Eunbi breathed, placing the bunny in her lap as she fiddled with its ears. Eunbi smiled as she felt the remaining bitter feelings resurfacing. They were having a regular conversation, as if she hadn’t just cried into Hyewon’s arms moments ago…

“I got this too” Hyewon grabbed Eunbi’s hand, opening it in front of her before placing the compass Eunbi had been eyeing in the gift shop earlier. It’s silver casing reflecting the light from the lamppost and it’s bold red arrow once more pointing to the north pole — this time to her _left_.

Eunbi raised an eyebrow as she followed the direction of the arrow. “Don’t get lost?” she answered, remembering Hyewon’s previous comment. Eunbi knew how to keep a poker face, being the oldest and the leader of an 11 group members trained her well. She angled her head towards Hyewon in a more casual pose, her heart hammering, but she kept her gait casual with no hint of hesitation.

_They can’t know._

Hyewon shook her head disapprovingly, zoning into the corner of Eunbi’s lips. How they remained stiff with her small smile. “ _It’s okay to be lost_ ” she said, breaking their eye contact and laying into the back of the hard bench. Shrugging away the gift nonchalantly, as if she hadn’t struck an arrow into Eunbi. “You like superstitions, so consider it a lucky charm” she mumbled, not wanting to give it more meaning than a simple gift that she’d think Eunbi would like after seeing her curiously playing with it in the gift shop… but that wasn’t the case.

“A lucky charm?” Eunbi breathed out, turning her attention back down to the compass that was still pointing the north pole (to her left)

Hyewon hummed as she continued to stare at the parking lot ahead of them. “You get them to put your mind at ease. I want you to look at that and be at ease. “She said, closely watching Eunbi’s unchanging expression from the corner of her eye “It’s okay to get lost since it’ll show you the way”

Once more Eunbi felt the remaining bitter feelings resurfacing, gravity slowly tugging at the corner of her lips as she held her smile.

“So come to me again,” Hyewon said. her voice turning soft as she spoke “I want to help you put your mind at ease” She smiled as she stuffed the plushie into Eunbi’s face, inhaling the fluff, but it chased the bitterness away with her air, She scrunched her nose as she stared back at Hyewon, hitting her lightly with the plushie. 

The compass still pointed towards the _left_.

Her smile turned into that of a hopeful one. 


	4. Insomnia Makes Me tired

Chaeyeon shook Sakura lightly, she pulled another all-nighter playing games _again._ Ignoring her when she warned Sakura about their early schedule today. “You have to get up,” she said warmly, shaking Sakura’s shoulder once more. She’d only turn to her side, swatting Chaeyeon’s hand away, asking for a few more minutes. “I told you we had to get early today, didn’t I? And you still didn’t listen, now get up!” she tugged Sakura up into a sitting position.

Sakura fell to her side, bringing Chaeyeon down with her onto the bed. “Five more minutes” she mumbled, placing an arm around Chaeyeon and pulling her into a hug as she cuddled in. “Five more minutes and we can go”

Chaeyeon groaned as she tried to push herself up, but Sakura only held onto her tighter, pulling her closer. She knew that Sakura was no longer sleepy. “With this much strength you can carry Nako on your back” she chuckled into Sakura’s chest, snaking her arms around her. Sakura hummed into Chaeyeon’s cheek as she placed a soft kiss and closed her eyes once more to sleep.

“Too bad you’ll need to be stronger” Chaeyeon grunted as she pulled herself and Sakura up, carrying Sakura in her arms like a child towards the closet. She turned her body for Sakura’s head to face the closer “Pick out what you want to wear” she said as she adjusted her grip on Sakura. She picked out her clothes and Chaeyeon placed her back on the bed and turning around, placing her hands on her eyes. “Change and tell me when your done”

Sakura giggled to herself, seeing Chaeyeon just randomly standing in the middle of their room with her eyes covered. She’s always found this side of Chaeyeon adorable, how respectful she always was. Even if they should rush down to the van right now, knowing everyone else was waiting for them. But Sakura knew her gaming buddy is probably having a slow start like her, too.

“Okay, I’m done” she cheered, holding her hands up for a hug from Chaeyeon who willing succumbed into her arms. Helping her up from the bed after she sat down to put on her socks. She placed her forehead on Chae’s who only showed her the warmest smile that she could treasure forever. She leaned in for a kiss, planting a kiss on Chaeyeon’s lips if only the dancer hadn’t pulled away with a mischievous smile, pinching her ears as she stuck her tongue out.

“That’s for staying up late” She wiggled her pointer finger at her as she skipped out the door “Now hurry we’re late!”

<>

Hyewon placed her arm in front of the doorway, blocking Eunbi’s way as she had just grabbed onto the doorknob. “What do _you_ think you’re doing?” she peered down at Eunbi’s attire, seeing the loose black sweatpants and same colour long-sleeved shirt she usually wore to practise. She scrunched her nose, instantly figuring out that Eunbi had no plans on following the doctor’s order of being on mandatory bed rest. “You” she scowled, totally against the idea.

Eunbi let out a nervous chuckle as her shoulders slowly rose up “I know but…” Hyewon’s scowl thawed away, returning to a more expressionless state. Eunbi scratched the back of her nape, turning her head to the side.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that,” Hyewon sighed as her hand slid off the wall and fell to her side. “I just wanted to make sure you’re sure about going” For a moment Eunbi could see the concern slide across her eyes before it disappeared as if Hyewon had caught onto her. Hyewon stared at Eunbi, not moving away from the door, knowing that she wouldn’t move until she heard an answer even if they would be late.

“You really don’t mind if I go?”

“I do” Hyewon responded instantly. Eunbi breathed out an ‘oh’ as her shoulders drooped. “But I know, no matter what I say, it isn’t going to change your decision. I just don’t want you to regret it”

_So come to me again_

_I want to help you put your mind at ease_

When it began, Eunbi wasn’t sure. At some point she had begun to draw an invisible boundary between herself and other people. No matter who she was dealing with. She maintained a set distance, carefully monitoring other’s attitudes so they wouldn’t get any closer. She wishes she had paid more attention back and had cared enough to stop this.

But what surprised her the most was how the second to most person she monitored was acting the complete opposite. _Had she stepped over the invisible boundary?_

 ~~She~~ They can’t know. 

Hyewon stared patiently as Eunbi’s eyes, waiting for her response. Feeling that odd sense of familiarity as she stared and waited.

“I think I’ll stay back,” Eunbi said in almost a whisper. Hyewon nodded her head, pulling her phone out. Eunbi assumed it was to text the manager, but in reality it was Hyewon informing the manager that she’d be staying with Eunbi. As she had already asked them the day before to cancel Eunbi’s schedule for the next two days to allow her to rest properly.

Hyewon turned Eunbi’s body away from the door and she did a side shuffle around her, placing her bag on the cabinet. “Aren’t you going?” Eunbi asked with a tilted head, still standing by the door.

Hyewon climbed into bed, pulling the covers over her and closing her eyes as she turned onto her side “No, I’m tired” Eunbi furrowed her eyebrows with her hands placed at her side, her mouth hung ajar. She knew Hyewon shouldn’t have spent all night playing games again.

“I told you to sleep early!” Hyewon shushed her as she waved her hand in a ‘I know I know’ manner as she snuggled deeper into her pillow. 

△▲△

Eunbi placed the bowl of food she had prepared for lunch for her and Hyewon. The rest of the members are still out on their own schedules that day. Hyewon gave her a smile as she thanked her for the food. She took her seat in front of Hyewon, already taking a bite out of her food.

She could feel Eunbi’s burning gaze on her as she ate, half of her food already gone she quickly glanced at Eunbi’s bowl as she grabbed some water. It seemed only two bites had only been eaten. She cleared her throat as she set down her glass of water. “Your food’s getting cold”

Her comment seemed to have shaken Eunbi out of whatever trance she was in. Returning to her already cold food. “Hyewon” she called out, appearing to say what made her stare at Hyewon instead of eating her food hot. She placed her utensils down as she gave Eunbi her full attention.

“You never asked me the question” Eunbi saw that Hyewon hadn’t caught what she was asking through her slightly raised right brow. “At the hospital you asked me, would you tell me the _truth_ if I ask?” she did her best to sound as confident as possible, stopping her voice from dropping at the end of her sentence.

“Why did you push yourself that _day?_ ”

Eunbi involuntarily gulped.

An expectation was there, mixed in with so many other emotions - resignation, hesitation, confusion, fear - that would well up then wither away.

“Chaeyeon told me,” Hyewon added, seeing the dazed look on Eunbi’s face. She could’ve probably settled into that one, she argued to herself. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to” she shrugged her shoulders, already gathering their plates to place into the sink.

“No, sometimes I feel so- I don’t know - like I’m not myself anymore?” Eunbi paused, looking up from her plate at Hyewon. She stared, watching, searching, waiting. At that moment, she’s never seen Hyewon’s feelings so clearly, there were no prejudiced things. She was listening to what’s coming from her like it was golden, keeping her ears, heart and mind _open_.

“It’s hard to put into words, but I guess it’s like I was fast asleep and someone came, disassembled me and hurriedly put me back together again.” Eunbi felt like she was talking nonsense, starting to regret having even said anything. What even was the point? It’s not like Hyewon would understand. Hyewon could sense the discomfort from Eunbi as she pinched her temples with her forefingers, doing small circular motions. “It’s okay, just pretend you didn’t hear anything—”

“I don’t understand but I believe you” Hyewon blurted out just as Eunbi got up from her seat, rightfully feeling like she had embarrassed herself. Hyewon’s hand on her wrist, silently asking her to stay.

They stayed silent for a few seconds, Eunbi returning into her seat, and Hyewon retracted her hand away from Eunbi.

Hyewon wasn’t sure what was running through Eunbi’s head at that moment, knowing well that the invisible wall had returned even though it disappeared for just a second. Unbeknownst to her, she rebuilt her own wall.

She glanced at their plates, feeling the sudden urge that she should go and clean them. Feeling beaten that their conversation was long over, all they’d be doing was tiptoeing around the answer if they continued. Eunbi didn’t seem to mind when she watched her pick up the plates and walked over to the sink.

Eunbi followed her to the sink, hopping onto the countertop and taking a seat on it as she watched Hyewon clean the dishes. She heard a small thud as Eunbi leaned her head onto the upper cupboard, and then she felt a hand on her shoulder. The small gesture whispering to her to look up at Eunbi.

“How come you don’t ask me anything?” Eunbi finally said her thoughts. Hyewon had witnessed many questionable things that would’ve caused thousands of questions to run through her head too many for her to hold back and not feed her curiosity- worry, anger, regret - but mostly she wanted to know how _close_ Hyewon was.

“Because you light yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm” Hyewon paused, placing the scrub down and following the whisper. Her gaze piercing, it sent a shiver of fear down Eunbi’s spine - she was close, way _too close_ to figuring it out. “I don’t want you to keep me warm. I don’t _need_ it”

If Eunbi monitored everyone else to keep them at a distance - Hyewon kept a distance because she was _never_ a part of them.

△▲△

The group all sat in the living room of dorm 1. A tradition they started shortly after they debuted, having dinner together and staying for a while (sometimes late into the night and they’d all just sleep together) Finished with their dinner, cooked by none other than Chaeyeon and Eunbi. They’d left the dishes in the sink, leaving it a task for tomorrow morning. Now was the time for bonding and having fun.

“Ha! You landed on my property, you owe me $100” Chaewon rightfully cheered, pointing at Minju looking dumbfounded. Pouting as she slid over the fake monopoly money towards the landowner. Chaewon, Hitomi, Nako and her were playing Monopoly on the dining table. With the table full of laughters and Minju’s secret whining - she was losing, with her scarce stack of monopoly money much less than the other three. Who had several stacks that outnumbered hers by a long run.

She furrowed her eyebrows, going for a bold move and rolling again. Praying to land on a good spot on the board. Her eyes lit up when the dice landed on 4. She had landed on a chance space. Picking the card she read out the printed letter out, her smile fading. “You have been elected chairman of the board. Pay each player $50” A wave of laughs erupted from the members at the table, clapping their hands. Finding Minju’s terrible fate hilarious, and the Kim groaned as she sunk her face into the table. She’d be going into debt at this point.

“Pay up chairman, you owe me $50!” Nako teased, holding her palm out for her cash while the other two were still dying from laughter as Minju laid lifeless and the light drained from her eyes when she looked up at Nako. With the best pout and puppy eyes, she could summon hoping to get out of it. Unfortunately for her, she was up against Nako. There was no way out…

<>

At the other end of the room were the rest of the members chatting amongst themselves as some played games on their phone. Eunbi could hear Hyewon giving them small directions on where to go or Sakura asking if anyone needed spare gear. The group huddled in a small semicircle within the larger circle the rest of the members sat in. Way too into their game, and she was way too into watching them, or rather watching _her_.

“Eunbi-unnie, you look like a stray pup” Chaewon teased, walking over from the monopoly table to join the circle.

Eunbi scooted to the side, leaving space for Chaewon to sit on the floor next to her as she met the girl in the eyes “Weren’t you playing monopoly?”

Chaewon let out a small chuckle as she sat down, pointing towards a deflated Minju in her seat as Nako continued to tease her about being bankrupt while Hitomi nagged at the two to help clean up. She however was excused from cleaning due to the bets made at the beginning of the game.

She didn’t have to say it out loud as Eunbi had completely read the situation, joining Chaewon with a small laugh, feeling a slight pity for Minju but finding it all too hilarious. “You guys should’ve spared her” Eunbi frowned, stifling another chuckle.

“Monopoly isn’t a game for the weak-hearted” Chaewon chortled, wiping off invisible dust off her shoulders for being the victor of the game and Eunbi rolled her eyes seeing the ego boost the win had given to Chaewon. She was never this confident until she had been roommates with Yena. She could feel a slight pound at the back of her head, oh the headache those two gave. “If you have time to pity Minju, you should take some to check yourself out”

Eunbi furrowed her eyebrows, clearly confused. Chaewon vaguely gestured at the circle with her hands, pointing out how Sakura, Hyewon and Yena sat closer together as they competed in their game and the awkward gap between the three and her. She was clearly out of the loop. Eunbi’s eyes filled with fury as the dots connected, grabbing the closet pillow and smacking Chaewon with it multiple times for the obvious tease.

Chaewon thrashed her hands around, trying to protect herself from the upcoming hits as she daringly threw more insults that only fuelled Eunbi’s fire. “Are you sure you’re the oldest? You look like the younger sibling waiting for their turn to play the game” she laughed as Eunbi hit her once again with the pillow, this time straight at the stomach.

Everyone else, too inclined in their own activities to separate the two. Eunbi had basically been beating Chaewon for the past 2 minutes until Chaeyeon rushed in from the kitchen and pulled them apart. “Wow! You might actually turn her into a lettuce wrap at this rate” she joked, dragging Eunbi backwards. She threw her pillow at Chaewon at the last chance to get back at the girl. Chaewon casually caught the pillow in her hands, sticking her tongue out at Eunbi.

“For your information I let you win that one” Chaewon corrected, taking a seat with Eunbi on the couch after Chaeyeon calmed her down. Eunbi held her arm out to grab another pillow before Chaeyeon rightfully stopped her by grabbing onto her wrist and returning it onto her lap.

“Sure you’re not just saying that to fix your monopoly boosted ego?” Eunbi snapped back and Chaewon shot her a side glare. Chaeyeon held in her laughter, covering her hand from her mouth, knowing she was already smiling.

“I can sue you for assault” She returned holding her chin high, a hint of mischief in her grin. “With your strength you’re not gonna give off the ‘I want to be protected’ vibe to any _man_ ” Chaewon faked a frown, exaggerated it more than usual as she wiggled her pointer finger at Eunbi.

Eunbi stilled for a moment, before a grin appeared on her face, clicking her tongue at Chaewon “And you would know because you’ve had how many boyfriends?” Eunbi leaned close, knowing she had Chaewon beat. “Or are you backing that up with that one incident in middle school—”

Chaewon covered Eunbi’s mouth hastily “Unnie!” she screamed, glancing around seeing no one paying attention to their conversation except for Chaeyeon who was rightfully dying on the other end of the couch, throwing her head back as she struggled to catch her breath.

<>

Sakura tapped on her screen, successfully taking down the opponent “They’re pretty loud aren’t they” she commented after hearing Chaewon and Eunbi bicker behind them and the classic sound of Chaeyeon’s irresistible laughter that rang in her ears.

“Can’t believe that’s my roommate” Yena chipped in, with a little groan after hearing Chaewon’s comeback. Hyewon agreed with a hum, slightly embarrassed by Eunbi trying to beat Chaewon again with a pillow she assumed from the slightly muffled smacks.

“Yeah, but you and Chaewon are much louder” she said after remembering how it felt like Chaewon and Yena were in the same room during one of their many, _many_ karaoke sessions they held by themselves. “Even my earphones can’t blast out your singing”

Sakura chuckled to the story, knowing how thin the walls were as her and Chaeyeon were always cautious about that too.

“Hey! At least our singing is good” Yena chimed in, kicking Hyewon with her foot without looking up from her screen.

“I wouldn’t be so confident on that one” Hyewon repeated, kicking Yena back. She let out a fake gasp, pretending to be shot through the heart, looking up from her phone for a moment. Just then an enemy had popped out and killed her. She yelped, seeing the death display pop up on her screen. “Ha! You’re buying us snacks” Hyewon and Sakura cheered together as they jumped up and high fived their hands together after getting the last player and winning the game. Yena groaned back into her seat, her pouty duck lips prominent as the other two did a celebratory dance around her. 

△▲△

They walked beside each other in silence, with Hyewon carrying the gift from their stylist for their 2nd anniversary. Eunbi held their coats and scarves, still holding onto it. They stopped in front of their door, Eunbi opening it with her free hand. When they entered, Eunbi stayed quiet, only choosing to speak up when Hyewon placed a hand on her arm to retrieve back her jacket. Eunbi responded with a nod and used her free hand to pry Hyewon’s hand from her before handing her the jacket and scarf.

Hyewon watched as Eunbi took two steps away from her after handing her things. She wasn’t sure on why it had become so awkward. The last thing she remembered was the day after being left alone at the dorm together. They had a single conversation and Eunbi’s been placing a distance between them.

There were probably much more smarter ways to approach this than playing along like what she’s been doing the past few days. Their conversations came sparingly and strained, a single look in the other’s direction was insufferable. Hyewon glanced at Eunbi, seeing her impatiently rubbing her hands together to create some warmth.

“Are you cold?” Hyewon looked down at her, lifting her brows.

Eunbi stopped, her hands stilled “What?”

“Your rubbing your hands together” Hyewon said, tilting her head at her with knitted brows. “Your trying to keep yourself warm” Hyewon took a step forward, pointing at Eunbi’s hands. Eunbi swallowed.

_Because you light yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm_

Eunbi took a step back. She thought she saw the corner of Hyewon’s lips tug upwards. She needed to look away from Hyewon’s clever eyes.

“Do you want me to turn on the heater?” Hyewon asked, running a hand through her hair. Eunbi shook her head. Hyewon blinked and turned around, putting away her coat and neatly folding her scarf back into the scarf. “Just promise me you’ll tell me if you need something” she said absentmindedly

“I will” Eunbi breathed into her cold hands, clenching them together before rubbing it on her pants. In the end, like so many beautiful promises in our lives.

Eunbi never told her. 

  
  


△▲△

Chaeyeon stopped in front of her door immediately after entering her room. Her eyes glanced between Sakura and Hyewon before ultimately falling on their held hands. Based on their attire, they were planning ongoing out.

“I’m stealing your girlfriend” Hyewon boldly said, holding up their held hands and Sakura hid behind her shoulder as Chaeyeon’s mouth hung ajar. “For the dinner she promised me” she inserted with a subtle hostile undertone that went unnoticed apart from who she directed it to.

Chaeyeon squinted her eyes, trying her best to keep her smile from looking forced, especially when she met with Sakura’s excited eyes. She took a sharp inhale. “I shouldn’t stop you guys then” she said, returning the same undertone at Hyewon. They walked past her and something bugged her about Hyewon’s not so innocent smile that most likely had no meaning behind it.

Still, it didn’t settle her churning stomach.

Immediately grabbing their hamper of newly washed laundry and hauling it up to the second dorm. Ignoring the odd looks she got from Yena, who looked like she had a question, but she instantly walked by. Only stopping when she reached a certain _person’s_ door. Not even having to knock twice before they opened.

She looked up at Chaeyeon with worried eyes before falling to the hamper behind her. She sighed, making way for Chaeyeon to enter, already knowing where this would lead.

“It was just her _choice_ of words, were just- so, ugh- I can’t explain it!” Chaeyeon exaggerated as she aggressively folded the laundry and slammed it down on top of the pile, repeating the incident earlier to Eunbi.

“That’s just Hyewon,” Eunbi’s voice suddenly went soft despite the bitter feelings that surfaced as Chaeyeon talked about her love life and catching her up on things going on between the two. It’s gotten easier with time, but that sharp feeling never left her heart unscathed every time Chaeyeon came to her like this. “She’s just teasing you. This isn’t the _first_ time” Eunbi consulted as she neatly patted the newly folded laundry.

There were definitely more incidents for every time Chaeyeon came to her room with laundry or a random art project. Most of the time it was because of being jealous of Sakura’s gaming buddy or Sakura turned her away, too busy with her game. She’d usually repeat the same advice that they were simply friends, Sakura was _in love with her_ but mostly she’d end it with saying Hyewon _didn’t_ swing _that_ way _._

Then that would usually lead her to having to comfort Chaeyeon from the guilt of falsely accusing her bandmate of such treason (if it even was that) yet one could definitely testify how uninnocent their touches were, but Eunbi would always fall on the back that Hyewon always placed a solid stance on this subject plus if Hyewon was she wouldn’t be so obvious (at least she wouldn’t be)

“How come you don’t have any laundry?” Chaeyeon pointed out, after neatly placing their folded piles of clothes back into the hamper. They’d been folding her laundry this entire time, unlike other occasions where they usually did both together.

“Someone else has been doing it” Eunbi shrugged her shoulders, suddenly aware that someone had been putting it upon themselves to do it lately. “I usually do the entire dorms, but every time I check it’s already done”

Chaeyeon wiggled her eyebrows, letting out several ‘o’s’ as she rubbed her shoulder against Eunbi “Looks like you’ve finally disciplined your headaches” she chuckled to herself before getting hit on the shoulder. She pouted, rubbing her shoulder.

“Don’t call them that! I’m the only one who can say that” Eunbi clicked her tongue as she wiggled her pointer finger at the dancer before proudly pointing at herself with her thumb “Plus it’s a secret”

“Then you shouldn’t have told me” Chaeyeon chuckled as she held up a cross with her arms, knowing the nickname had slipped out once or twice before “I’m terrible at keeping secrets” taking a mental note to blackmail Nako to not tell anyone about that, she mentally slapped her forehead knowing the bribe is going to be big. Nako had her way in deals, she was _way_ too skilled at making them.

“Please, it’s not like you have your own nickname for your dorm” Eunbi rolled her eyes, handing the last pile to Chaeyeon. “Wasn’t it inverted einstein? Oh wait! Didn’t you change it to blinding lights recently?” Chaeyeon dropped the pile of clothes, the memory totally slipping that she had confessed that to Eunbi. Clear from the loud ‘WHAT!’ she exclaimed that made Yena knock on their wall to turn it down. Ironic, really.

Chaeyeon chuckled after her initial shock, but nothing got past Eunbi with her. She wouldn’t be surprised if they could have a full conversation just staring at each other. “We sound like a bunch of moms gossiping about our children”

Eunbi smiled longingly as she paid attention to Chaeyeon’s added care when she placed Sakura’s clothes into the hamper. “We _do”_

  
  


△▲△

Hyewon handed Sakura her food after ordering their food at a food stand, she’s been hearing her snicker and the illicit smiles behind her mask ever since they stood in line. She was inclined to ask her about it, but fought the urge, unwilling to hear the correct answer that she hoped wasn’t true.

But Sakura spared her the pleasure of forever leaving it unanswered. “I guess I do owe more than a meal now” she laughed, showing Hyewon her conversation with Chaeyeon over text.

 **Chaeyeon :** Are you staying late? Don’t come home too late, it’s dangerous!!!!!!!

 **Sakura :** Chae, it’s only 2pm

Hyewon squinted her eyes at the amount of exclamation marks Chaeyeon had placed. Then falling to the few cat stickers that were in various forms to tease Chaeyeon. Hyewon peeked at Sakura’s expecting smile, encouraging her to read more.

 **Chaeyeon :** You better get back by 6 any later is unacceptable!

 **Sakura :** Are you my mom now? 6 is way too early, 8

 **Chaeyeon :** 8?!?!? That’s pushing it, late night dates is our thing

Hyewon’s eyes narrowed at the text messages seeing the many angry face emojis Chaeyeon put before meeting Sakura’s eyes again. “Your really a mean girlfriend, you know that” she mocked, despite the thin line her lips formed behind her mask. Sakura rolled her eyes, laughing it off. In a way, Hyewon felt like she was being _used._

(“Are you sure about this?” Hyewon asked, concerned for her bandmate but mostly at the thought of her misinterpreting the situation.

“It’s fine! Plus, she’s done this before” Sakura reasoned, holding her clenched hands in front of her puppy eyes that pleaded Hyewon to help her.

“Yeah, but she’s just hanging out with her friends” Hyewon being a social butterfly herself knew that like her, Chaeyeon went out almost every day to meet up with friends. Those who were idols, trainees, even choreographers and those who weren’t interested in the entertainment industry. Chaeyeon had many friends, but Hyewon never expected to see Sakura getting jealous (after all, there were far more questionable videos of Sakura on the internet)

“She’ll forgive you, promise! Who could get mad at you?” Sakura offered, but Hyewon was still against it “I’ll buy you a game and we can get dessert after dinner” She knew she got Hyewon’s attention when she raised a brow.

“Fine, but you better talk to her afterwards” Hyewon pointed, warning her because she knew well that the blame would fall on her rather than the actual culprit. After all, she had a longer crime record than helping Sakura, making her girlfriend jealous.)

“It’s for fun, plus she knows you don’t like girls” Sakura called.

She froze behind Sakura, just out of her sightline, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath.

She strode quickly to match with Sakura’s pace “ _Still,_ jealousy is jealousy” Hyewon said, tilting her head to watch Sakura type in a reply to Chaeyeon 5 minutes since her last message. She bit the inside of her cheeks, looking away, not having the decency to see whatever love sickening response Sakura had sent.

 **Sakura :** It’s _our_ thing because you’re with me, not because of the time. I won’t be out too late :)) 

△▲△

Chaeyeon woke up a few minutes before her alarm that dark early morning, squinting her eyes from the bright light of her phone screen. She turned off her alarm, getting up to get dressed. Chaeyeon planned to go to the company building to snag her favourite practice room instead of being stuck with the haunted basement room. She shook her shoulders, remembering the terrible sound of a distant screech and the sound of machinery churning, how its eerie sounds resonated in the room.

She _hated_ that practice room.

She put on her jacket and pocketed her phone, patting around her pockets for anything she missed. Her water bottle. She reached for her water bottle placed on the bed-side table, but she yelped when someone grabbed onto her wrist. Screaming and tripping over herself and falling backwards.

Sakura snickered, hearing her startled girlfriend it wasn’t every day she was this jumpy. “Did you forget you had a roommate?” She teased as her eyes adjusted to the darkness. Chaeyeon sat on the floor, her hand on her chest as she heaved in and out.

“You shouldn’t grab someone’s hand like that! You scared me!” Chaeyeon warned, glaring at Sakura, although she couldn’t see it. She blames the thought of the ‘haunted basement’ room for making her jumpy this early in the morning. She hopes she didn’t wake the rest of the dorm with her loud scream.

“Are you going to practice?” Sakura asked, sitting up in her bed. She squinted her eyes to see Chaeyeon nodding her head. She saw Chaeyeon already dressed, and she frowned. “Would it be too late to ask you to stay?” she fidgeted with the seam of the blanket, avoiding Chaeyeon’s eyes despite the darkness hiding the blush that was creeping up her neck.

Chaeyeon moved closer to her, levelling her eyes with hers. “Would you like me to stay?” she placed a hand on top of Sakura’s, stopping her from fidgeting with the blanket. She knew the answer, but she smiled warmly, waiting for her to say it.

Sakura nodded her head, and Chaeyeon said nothing more. Except tossing her bag down next to the bed and Sakura scooted across the bed, making room for her. She got in comfortably, placing an arm around Sakura and pulling her close to her chest. Her back against the headboard and caressing Sakura’s head, softly humming a lullaby her mom used to sing to her until she fell asleep.

“For you, I’ll stay forever” she whispered into her ear. 

△▲△

“Your awfully quiet today, Eunbi-unnie,” Chaewon told Eunbi, the two of them walking along the road to their dorm, a brief stop at the department store for some cravings. She looked at her with a raised eyebrow, an expression of curiosity and dismay on her face. “Surely your still not thinking of more ways to avoid Hyewon are you?”

Eunbi paused, accidentally tugging Chaewon when she tried to step forward. Her eyes narrowed at Chaewon and a smirk grew on her face. _She was spot on_ which she cheered in her head. “How long did you know?” Eunbi questioned.

“Er, it wasn’t very hard to figure out. To be fairly honest, it’s quite hard to watch” Chaewon blinked at her and Eunbi blinked back, belatedly elaborating because she then realised that Eunbi had no clue how truly awkward it look, “Well mostly it’s just you. I first noticed when your _roommate_ didn’t know where you were and then how hesitant you were to ask her a question in the waiting room”

Eunbi rolled her shoulders in a shrug after briefly filling in Chaewon, avoiding the true contents she and Hyewon had talked about. Leaving in the parts where Hyewon wheeled her around and gave her the compass. “It was just some measly fight” she said, throwing it over her shoulder like it was the weather. Replacing the conversation during lunch with a made up argument she had just thought of.

“It’s not _measly,”_ Chaewon stated slowly, like it was obvious. Taking a bite from her popsicle. Her jaw slacked, bewildered at how Eunbi expected her to believe the lame excuse she had given. “Your avoiding her and it’s obvious”

“I… What do you - I mean” Eunbi stammered and took a breath “She’s avoiding me too” She pressed her lips together, almost feeling like she’d lose something just from admitting it, her eyes wandering away from Chaewon's after doing so. 

Eunbi watched Chaewon open her mouth and then closed it. She expected her to say some cunning comment or tease her more about the situation. But Chaewon’s furrowed eyebrows and deep stare at the ground below showed she was in serious deep thought. Chaewon turned to her, a crooked smile on her face “I mean, from what you’ve said, she probably thinks you’re either mad at her or mad because things are too hard. And if it’s the second—it’s not _measly_ in her eyes.”

“Right,” Eunbi nodded seriously, tilting her head and hummed to herself, taking a bite from her popsicle. The bewildering words resonating. 

  
  


△▲△

By Tuesday morning, Hyewon had been consistently waking up at 5 in the morning for several weeks straight. She spared no time to stretch, not like she had been sleeping for long (2 or 3 if she was lucky) she quietly slid off the bed and tiptoed towards the door. She spent a few extra second to glance at Eunbi, who was still holding onto the stuffed bunny that had gotten at the hospital so tightly. Mentally taking a picture of the moment before closing the door shut.

She wasn’t sure about the reason that suddenly compelled her to do these things; waking up earlier than the entire dormitory, clean the dorm, fold the laundry, dust the drawers- place out the supplements and drink Eunbi took religiously every morning- sort the shoes, take out the trash.

No, she knew the reason. How it nestled in the back of her mind and remained untouched, knowing the shadows that hid within it. _She couldn’t_

She can’t confide, especially not because _they felt the same_.

Hyewon opened the curtains to let the bright sunrays into the living room, hoping that the small additions of vitamin D would also cleanse her mind and put it at ease. Maybe even give these thoughts a grave deep into the ground, where they’d finally rest, and she’d be at peace.

It was easier when she didn’t know. When she’d called herself a _menace_ and let herself wallow in her own guilt for staying silent. (Maybe she pitied her?)

She hastily stood up when she checked the time, letting out a deep sigh and mentally counting the amount of sleep she got last night, maybe almost 3? Grabbing the last pile of clothes she had folded, placing them in the hamper and walking to close the curtains, keeping in mind their dorm’s early bird was sensitive to light so early in the morning.

Then she’d enter the room as quietly as she left and lay in bed as if she’d been asleep the entire time, and so Hyewon shuts her eyes tightly, determined to keep it all a secret.

(Quietly smiling to herself, her back turned to her roommate when she hears their small yawn when they stretched their arms out) 

  
  


△▲△

Sakura tickled Hyewon’s nose with a finger, just lightly tapping the tip of her nose after catching her asleep in the waiting room when she promised they’d play after lunch. But after returning from her shoot, she found Hyewon dozed off on the couch, the blanket only covering her upper body.

She leaned down closer to Hyewon, “Wakey. Wakey. Kitty Kang, it’s time to wake up, ” She smiled when she saw Hyewon’s lip twitch and her hand coming up to scratch the ‘itch’ on her nose. Sakura repeated it once more.

Hyewon’s eyes flickered open as she caught Sakura’s pointer finger in her hand “I’m not a cat” she complained, sitting up on the couch and Sakura taking a seat next to her with her pointer finger still in Hyewon’s hand.

“Well, you’re not a dog either” Sakura laughed, and it rang beautifully in Hyewon’s ears “You wake me up with Kitty Kim so I gave it a try” she scrunched her nose, it was a cute nickname. Hyewon booped Sakura’s nose with her finger, finding her scrunched nose way too cute. Sakura laughed, seeing her finger on her nose.

“But I’m still not a cat” Hyewon repeated, booping Sakura’s nose again.

“And you still own me a match” Sakura stuck her tongue out, placing Hyewon’s phone in her hands. Hyewon scowled, looking at her phone and back up to Sakura, who had a grinning smile.

“This is why you woke me up? To play a game” Hyewon’s tone dropped, unamused. Sakura’s been keeping her up several nights in a row, playing league and mostly feeding the opposing team as she carried her. “Not if I’m going to carry you, I’m going back to sleep” she refused, tossing her phone to the side and laying back on the couch.

Sakura shook her as she pulled her back up, and Hyewon did her best to escape her grip and fall back on the couch. “Hey! I’m the one who’s supposed to always be sleeping, not you!” she yelled, pulling Hyewon back up again and placing her phone onto her lap.

“I wouldn’t be sleepy all the time if you don’t keep me up all night!” Hyewon tossed her phone back to Sakura, grabbing the blanket and laying back down on the couch. She could hear the pout in Sakura’s voice as she whined and tugged at her arm.

She would’ve been willing to play with Sakura anytime, even more so when she pouted like that. Sakura was trying her best to get her to play with her. But her yearning for will was stronger at the moment, and it was desperate to be fulfilled.

Sakura noticed Hyewon stopped playing along with her a few minutes ago, and the playfulness on her face was instantly replaced with worry as she scooted off the couch and kneeled in front of Hyewon. “Have you really not been able to sleep lately?”

Hyewon nodded her head with her eyes still closed. “I’ve been waking up early so I haven’t had much sleep after our gaming sessions” she opened her eyes and felt the tug at the corner of her lips, seeing the frown on Sakura’s face. She took her hand out of the blanket and patted Sakura’s head. The smile that returned on her face made her smile along. “It’s okay, I’ll be alright” she said reassuringly as Sakura leaned into her hand.

“We’ll I’m tired too, so move” Hyewon stared awestruck, but it didn’t even pass Sakura’s mind as she pushed Hyewon closer to the back cushion as she made space for her beside her. She moulded warmly against Hyewon in a mindless way that had Hyewon’s hands sweating.

“You really are like a cat” Hyewon teased, placing her hand on top of Sakura’s, patting it.

Sakura poked Hyewon’s side that made her jerk and accidentally pull her closer into her in fear of making Sakura fall headfirst onto the floor. But Sakura giggled at Hyewon’s actions. “Shut up, I know I am.”

Silently Hyewon remained awake, although the girl next to her was well asleep. She kept her eyes closed, focused on keeping her heartbeat steady. Unwilling to lose to the quiet throb. After all, she didn’t wish for more, at least not anymore.

This was _enough,_ staying like this with Sakura sleeping peacefully next to her, even though her heart longed for something _more._

It was bitter and short, and Sakura never let go of her grip around Hyewon.

Hyewon, selfishly, didn’t either.


	5. The Drugging of Guilt

Hyewon ruffled her hair, scratching the back of her head. Had they really made this big of a mess last night?

(“We’re having a just dance competition!” Yujin yelled, running through the halls of the second dorm. Knocking on all their doors and insisting that they should all join. Even going as far as dragging Minju out of her room with some help from Yena and Chaewon after getting back up.

“Your going down bean pole” Yena chortled, standing on the couch to make herself taller as she pointed down at the said ‘bean pole’ Yujin. She chuckled, hands placed on her hips doing a superhero pose “I’m the best just dance, dancer”

“You owe me mochi when I win” Chaewon bid, placing 20,000 won on the coffee table already getting competitive. Yena scoffed, doubling Chaewon’s bid and slamming the paper bills on the coffee table. Yujin followed, placing only a few coins. “If you’re gonna play with the big sports, you gotta bet more, ‘’ Chaewon said, eyeing the few coins Yujin placed on the table.

A crooked smile as she looked up “I’ll pay the rest with my card” holding up her credit card after fishing it out of her back pocket.

Inevitably, they played late into the night and Yujin ended up paying for all their snacks that night)

Looking at the packs of opened snacks displaced over the living room and carbonated drinks that probably were now stale and warn. She sighed, rubbing at her temples with her left hand as she roughly calculated how long it would take.

Checking the time, 6:27 am. She didn’t have enough time, probably having to abandon the laundry and dusting the living room. She started with the snacks, throwing them into the trash bag, sweeping off the crumbs and storing away unopened snacks.

She began picking up the bottles of soda, holding multiple in one hand when she heard the small creek of a door. She froze, immediately dropping the bottles and running to find a hiding spot. Behind the curtains? No, too obvious. Next to the couch? No, too open. Laundry room? No, too far. Under the dining table, that would work?

She strode quickly across the living room towards the kitchen that was linked to the dining room. She almost made it past the hallway until she heard, “Unnie?” her foot stopping with the raise of the person’s voice.

She turned her head robotically, placing a crooked smile on her face “Yes?”

It was Minju, rubbing her tired eyes and still in her white pyjamas. “I didn’t think you’d be awake” she stretched her arms up and shuffled closer to Hyewon. “We slept pretty late last night” she said, peeking behind Hyewon to see the trash bag hanging over the couch and the plastic bottles Hyewon previously dropped to try and hide, miserably failing.

“Er… That, I wanted to clean it” Hyewon bit her tongue to stop herself from stammering, taking a breath in behind Minju, who had already walked towards the mess and picked up the remaining plastic bottles.

“Looks like we had the same idea” she said, smiling up at Hyewon.

“I guess so…” Hyewon trailed off, picking up the trash bag and holding it open for Minju to place the bottle on. Minju grabbed the remaining wrappers and walked up to Hyewon to dispose of it into the trash bag, she stopped in front of her. Narrowing her eyes at Hyewon, she suddenly felt cautious of everything, backing her head away from Minju “Do I have something on my face?”

Minju shook her head, her body going back in motion as she dropped the wrappers into the bag “No” she smiled “You just have massive bags under your eyes” she chuckled and Hyewon’s hand shot up to her cheeks, using her finger to pat the spot under her eyes.

“Eunbi-unnie’s been complaining that you don’t sleep enough” Minju laughed, putting down the plastic bottle in her hand as she reenacted Eunbi’s furrowed eyebrows and puffed cheeks

(“She spends too much time on her computer, she’s going to destroy her eyesight like that. Not to mention her hunching over her laptop, that’s not good for her back!” Minju perfectly reenacted the scene)

“Really?” Hyewon asked, eyes wide open, completely surprised by the new revelation. Eunbi never once complained to her about her posture or warned her about her eyesight. The most she got was a death glare before Eunbi went to bed to not stay on the computer for too long, usually followed by a ‘I told you to sleep early!’ in the morning

Hyewon clicked her tongue, fastening the trash bag “She’s never told me any of this” Minju laughed, clearly amused by it all. She realised Hyewon was seriously oblivious to the many ways Eunbi is wary for her.

“I guess she’s still sulking about not being able to download maple story on your laptop” Minju reasoned and Hyewon rolled her eyes remembering Eunbi constantly whining about downloading it, at least she has her own laptop now even a gaming desktop, how lucky. “But I agree with Eunbi-unnie, you should sleep more. You look exhausted lately”

“Sakura’s been keeping me up all night” She lied right through her teeth. 

  
  


△▲△

Wonyoung ran quickly towards Eunbi, a bright and young smile on her face as she stretched her arms forward. She was ecstatic to finally see one of her older sisters that day, missing them a little more than usual as they were all on separate schedules.

Eunbi did the same, holding her hands out for Wonyoung to run into her arms. “Wonyoungie!” she cheered as the giant bunny ran straight into her, with a force that they both unexpected. The force of both her excitement and height made them both lose balance and stumbled backwards, their bags falling to the ground from the impact.

Eunbi laughed into Wonyoung’s shoulder, rubbing her back “You must be so excited to see me” Wonyoung giggled as she nodded excitedly, wrapping Eunbi into a tighter hug.

“I missed you so much!” She whined, pulling away from Eunbi to take a closer look at her face. “I was so bored today when I had no one to talk to” she frowned, pulling Eunbi into another hug, wanting to remove the lonesome feeling.

“We can watch all your dramas when we get home” Eunbi complied, patting Wonyoung’s head, and they separated from their hug. She heard Wonyoung gasp, her hand covering her mouth when she realised she dropped their things.

Wonyoung quickly apologised as she bent down to help Eunbi pick up their things, Eunbi only gave her a motherly smile saying, “It’s fine, I know how excited you were”

Wonyoung still helped pick up their things from the floor, Eunbi carried a lot of random things in her bag. Sunglasses, masks, perfume, an empty wrapper, but a unique circular shaped silver item caught her attention. “Unnie, what is this?” She asked holding up the item, trying to open it, but she couldn’t find a latch to do so.

Eunbi paused. Staring down at the item, forgetting for a moment that she carried that around. “It was a gift from someone” she was unsure why she started with that, not giving the name… “It’s a compass” she said, opening it and showing the insides of the compass to Wonyoung.

She wooed, not having seen many compasses in her lifetime, only those in movies and dramas. “It’s quite big to carry in your bag” she joked, seeing Eunbi’s small purse despite the owner forgetting it was in there.

“You think—”

Her sentence was caught off by another squeal from Wonyoung, quickly giving back the compass and running to the newcomer. Another missed face by both of them. Wonyoung repeated the same approach, running and lunging into them with a bear hug that caused both of them to stumble backwards too.

“I thought you were Yujin for a moment” Hyewon joked, patting the top of Wonyoung’s head and the girl leaned her head into her hand. She laughed, going on about how they were completely different and the warm smile that escaped Hyewon’s chest.

Eunbi wasn’t sure about what they talked about, but she enjoyed the joyful lines on both of their faces as they conversed. Then Hyewon caught Eunbi’s gaze behind Wonyoung’s shoulder. Eunbi closed her mouth and left.

“Did you just arrive?” Wonyoung asked after listing a few more things about how she and Yujin could never be mistaken as the same person

“No, I arrived a few minutes earlier” Hyewon smiled playfully up at Wonyoung, remembering how she ran up to Eunbi in the same way she ran towards her. “I saw you almost trip over Eunbi” she joked and Wonyoung covered her face with her hands, slightly embarrassed. “I think Yujin’s rubbing off on you?” and Wonyoung slapped her shoulder, whining that they weren’t that identical. 

  
  


△▲△

“How do I eat this?” Sakura asked, twisting the popsicle inside a mini plastic bottle. Chaeyeon held her popsicle in between her teeth and ripped off the top of the bottle, giving access to the popsicle. Sakura’s mouth shaped an ‘o’ taking back her popsicle.

They were on one of their late night dates, no care for whatever the time was. They walked on the cobblestone sidewalk on a random road somewhere near Chaeyeon’s neighbourhood. She’d randomly called her in the middle of the night telling her to meet up and she bought them ice cream.

“I forget sometimes that you’re a foreigner from how well you speak Korean” Chaeyeon chuckled, taking a chunk from her popsicle. Sakura bumped her shoulder against hers playfully, taking it as a compliment but knowing Chaeyeon there was probably a hidden tease in there.

“Yet, you still tease me about not being able to read” Sakura grinned. Chaeyeon stuck her bottom lip out in an affected pout that played on Sakura’s heartstring. Immediately growing soft when their lips pressed together, softly. It only lasted for a few minutes, but it left a lingering warmth that even the popsicle couldn’t cool.

Chaeyeon smiled, fixing Sakura’s hood over her head and pinching her ears “What’s a relationship without some teasing” her voice cunning and sly, a hint of mischief behind her grin. Sakura clicked her tongue, shoving Chaeyeon lightly and pulling down her hood in a less affectionate way that messed up Chaeyeon’s hair.

“Your right, teasing is fun” Sakura winked and Chaeyeon’s jaw dropped as Sakura turned around. She stood dazed at how witty Sakura was for turning the tables on her. She’s really rubbing off on her; She wasn’t sure whether that was a good or bad thing. “What are you doing, slowpoke? Catch up” Sakura teased with her tongue out shaking her butt and jogging forward when Chaeyeon started walking.

  
  


△▲△

“Wow! Unnie, that’s really pretty” Minju exclaimed, her head peeking over Hyewon’s shoulder at the two bracelets she’d pick out from the assortment of accessories. They were roaming around when they found an old lady selling handmade accessories. 

Hyewon turned her head to the bright Minju “Are you gonna get it?” she smiled, her eyes turning into crescents. She was like a little kid after finding their favourite candy in the grocery store.

“Do you think so?” Hyewon asked, holding up the two matching bracelets. Coloured plastic beads paired with a few silver beads in between, repeating the same pattern of 2 green, 6 alternating white and red before ending with another green bead followed by a silver bead.

Minju studied the bracelets closely, catching the second matching bracelet already worn on Hyewon’s wrist “You’re getting two?”

Hyewon’s eyes dashed to the bracelets, hiding one in her hand while the other remained on her wrist “Oh I forgot it was on my wrist” she let out a breathy laugh and Minju nodded her head believing her before she patted her back encouraging her to get it.

Minju continued browsing the other selections of accessories and Hyewon went to the old lady placing her items in front of her. The old lady looked up from her seat, a warm and polite smile on her face oddly tugging at her heart.

She packed them into a small white plastic bag, stabling the end when she finished and handing Hyewon her change. “I hope they’ll like your gift” the old lady smiled a hinting tone in her voice and Hyewon bowed taking the plastic bag and placing it in her bag.

Hyewon bought the _two_ matching bracelets. 

  
  


△▲△

Sakura scrunched her nose, pouting her lips up at Hyewon “You’re seriously kicking me out?” her hands at her hips with an affected pout. Hyewon feigned herself from pinching Sakura’s chubby cheeks.

“ _Yeah,_ I’m kicking you out” Hyewon repeated, her tone high and playful as she mocked. “Eunbi will be back soon” she couldn’t stop herself from giving Sakura a light pinch on both of her cheeks, deflating them.

Sakura held Hyewon’s hands still “No she won’t” She smiled, and it piqued Hyewon’s interest clear from the small rise in her right brow. “She’s practicing with Chaeyeon, they’ll be back later,” Hyewon caught the dip in Sakura’s tone and she felt a shift in her hands.

Hyewon leaned closer a smirk tugged at the corner of her mouth “Oh she’s out with Chaeyeon? You’re not _jealous_ are you?” she slowed her words, emphasising her words, her tongue dragging it out for a few more irritable seconds.

Sakura scoffed, rolling her eyes resolutely, looking elsewhere. Hyewon moved her head in front of Sakura’s sight line. She saw the playful teasing look in Hyewon’s eyes, her hands on her cheeks growing hot. Sakura tilted her head nonchalantly, trying to shrug Hyewon’s hands off. “Why would _I_ be jealous of Eunbi?”

Hyewon let out an airy breath, as if Sakura had just fallen straight into her trap. “Oh, I was thinking of Chaeyeon” She retracted away from Sakura, leaving her curious. “After all, _Jjinja_ nice body” Hyewon teased, a playful smile as she did a small shimmy. Reciting the mindless compliment Sakura had made that one time during Eunbi’s birthday.

Sakura gasped, eyes wide open as her hand covered her mouth. Hyewon bursted into a laugh repeating it once again. She let out an offended ‘yah!’ slapping Hyewon’s shoulder to stop “Oh _shut_ up” she groaned, pushing themselves back into the room and slamming the door shut, sparing her the embarrassment of anyone else hearing.

Hyewon cooed wiggling her finger in front of Sakura’s eyes “Oh you’re _definitely_ jealous of Chaeyeon” she teased some more before landing her finger on the tip of her nose giving it a little boop.

“As if!” Sakura definitely made plans in her head to murder Hyewon in her sleep and hide her body. Hyewon repeated the phrase again, and Sakura shot her a glare that ended up being more shocked than offended, only leading Hyewon to teasing her more. 

  
  


△▲△

Hyewon opened the door to their room and was surprised that Eunbi was inside. Maybe she shouldn’t have, since they shared it after all. But lately it was more common for only one of them to be in the room, while the other one waited until they left or were asleep. Eunbi usually just walks around the apartment a few dozen times, and Hyewon plays any entertaining game that would fill the time. 

Their eyes met. cold and bland, their faces emotionless. Hyewon took a step back into the hallway, already closing the door. Although Eunbi conveyed nothing, she knew her presence wasn’t wanted. But just before the door could close

“Do you need something?” a whisper.

Hyewon peeked her head around the door, staring back at Eunbi still standing in front of their dresser trying to put on her earring. Eunbi was no longer looking at her when she entered the room. She placed a small bag on their bedside table, pulling out a random piece of paper, writing something on it. 

Eunbi watched the pen scribble across the paper hurriedly through the mirror. She could sense that Hyewon was in a rush. When Hyewon stood up from her seat, turning to Eunbi, she quickly directed her gaze to her reflection, pretending to be busy.

Hyewon cleared her throat, walking up to Eunbi, her body turned to the door as she stood behind her. “It’s for you” she pointed at the bag and note she left on their bed-side table. “I didn’t know if you wanted me talking to you, so I wrote it”

Eunbi turned her body to the direction of Hyewon’s finger. She looked at Hyewon, who continued to avoid her eyes, shifting her head away when Eunbi walked towards the bag. “I’ll get going now,” she said calmly, wiping her hand on her jeans.

Eunbi didn’t object, her eyes following Hyewon as she left the room. She picked up the note first, the words messily scribbled onto the paper.

_it’s non refundable._

She squinted her eyes looking at the odd message. However, she found herself smiling when she pulled out the bracelet from the bag. It’s warm toned colours, it was simple, no special charms or intricate design, just some beads in a repeated pattern. But the small gift sent a strike to her chest that made her feel empathy towards Hyewon.

She stared at the shut door, wondering what could’ve sparked Hyewon to get this gift. Even wondering if Hyewon was her grandmother, with the amount of items she’s given her in a short period she definitely wouldn’t go against the idea and probably even have other members agreeing with her as they collectively teased her about it.

It was just a bracelet, was what Eunbi convinced herself it was or allowed herself to think. Trying to hide the aching truth that made her tremble because Hyewon knew and that made her uncomfortable.

<>

_A compass is a heavy thing to carry around, right? So you can wear this instead I know you have a lot of rings and you probably don’t need more. It’s nothing special, but I hope it fits—_

Hyewon scrunched the piece of paper in her hand, shaking her head. ‘The second one was better’ she walked to the kitchen with a nod and tossed the white crumpled piece of paper into the bin. 

△▲△

“How many dishes did these kids use?” Chaeyeon questioned as she scrubbed the nth dish, unsure of how many she’s already gone through, but looking at the full drying rack she’s surely gone through a dozen. She snarled in her head, mentally taking note to supervise the children the next time they go on another whim baking session.

She blew her hair out of her face, using her shoulder to messily push it back. Despite at the mountain of dishes the kids went through, seeing them huddled around the dinning room complimenting each other’s cooking with some teasing in between. It was a sight she could never be mad about, not especially when Wonyoung is dancing in her seat, Hitomi patting Nako’s head complimenting that it could’ve gotten worse and Minju taking way too many pictures of their creations.

“They used all those dishes?” Sakura spoke, taken aback at the mountain of dishes. Finally, coming out of her gaming hole and seeing what the fuss was about. Chaeyeon laughed, throwing a few droplets at Sakura for staying at her desk all day. “But they look happy with what they made” she shrugged her shoulders, taking another milkis can from the refrigerator, taunting Chaeyeon with it “Don’t worry, you won’t have to wash this one”

Chaeyeon chuckled, pushing her hair back with her shoulder “I’ll have to watch them the next time they do it” she joked, turning back to Sakura who was — a lot closer than she was earlier… Chaeyeon glanced at the group of girls at the dining table before looking back at Sakura who’s eyes never wavered. “You’re really close..”

Sakura giggled “I know, don’t worry, I won’t surprise you with a kiss” although her eyes did wander down to Chaeyeon’s lips for a few seconds and she saw Chaeyeon leaning further away. She smirked, grabbing the hairband from her wrist and walking behind Chaeyeon. Gathering her hair and placing it into a ponytail, tying it with the hair band.

Her fingers ran through Chaeyeon’s hair as she placed it on Chaeyeon’s shoulder “You look prettier with your hair styled to the side” Chaeyeon looked at her and smile in that gentle way of hers, like she was the only thing in her mind and everything else didn’t matter. “Keep smiling at me like that”

Chaeyeon tried to hide behind her shoulder, turning to the dishes. She could feel the inevitable heat creeping up her neck. “You’ve been watching too many dramas” she cleared her throat, straightening her back.

Sakura giggled into her ear, pressing her chin on her shoulder as she moved a strand of Chaeyeon’s hair behind her ear “But I wasn’t lying” her voice sly as she whispered into Chaeyeon’s ear. She leaned closer and Chaeyeon closed her eyes.

Sakura pressed one of the plates on Chaeyeon’s cheek “I told you I wasn’t going to surprise you with a kiss” she stuck her tongue out and Chaeyeon’s jaw dropped “Enjoy the dishes!” Sakura chanted, skipping back to the can of milkis and towards the huddled girls to see their baked goods.

Chaeyeon stared at her, an embarrassed laugh leaving her. “How could she keep a straight face after doing that?” 

  
  


△▲△

Chaeyeon was home, just visiting for the afternoon. Sadly, though, her youngest sister was at school and her father was at work. Luckily she got to spend some time with her mom, cooking some food to bring back to the dorms.

Her mother smiled, shaking her hands removing the water on them before wiping them off with a towel. “They really used that many dishes cooking?” Chaeyeon sighed into her hands, covering her face as she nodded her head. Remembering the dreadful memory of cleaning all of them.

Her mother chuckled, but knowing her daughter, she would’ve done it all again if she could see the fond smiles on her bandmates. She placed a cup of hot chocolate in front of Chaeyeon, patting her head. “You should supervise them the next time”

“That’s exactly what I thought!” She exclaimed and her mother laughed at her. Chaeyeon grabbed the warm cup of chocolate with both of her hands, indulging in its warmth on her cold palms.

“Should I send Sakura something? I’m sure she’s missing her family” Her mother asked, leaning against the countertop. Chaeyeon smiled, hiding her excitement behind her cup of hot chocolate. In deep thought of a gift. “Should we invite her over?”

Chaeyeon nodded her head, taking a sip from her chocolate. Her mother ecstatically nodding her head and grabbing a piece of paper to write what she should make for the occasion. “Oh, have you guys told the rest of the members yet? We should all have a family dinner with them!”

Chaeyeon coughed, spitting her hot chocolate back into the mug. She reached for a paper towel with her hand as she continued to cough. Her mother rushing around looking for some napkins and water. “Drink properly, you scared me!” She smacked Chaeyeon on the shoulder with a scowl.

“I’m sorry, you just surprised me” Chaeyeon replied, wiping her mouth with the napkin and drinking some water allowing her mother to cool down. “But.. um.. we didn’t tell anyone” she trailed off, suddenly taking an interest in their white ceiling as she rocked back and forth in her seat.

“You haven’t told anyone?” Her mother repeated with raised eyebrows. Her mouth dropped when Chaeyeon nodded her head. “How did you keep it from everyone? Does no one know? I mean how—” her mother began listing out questions and Chaeyeon had to stop her.

She hushed her mother “Well only two people know and we manage by just doing it in our room” Chaeyeon shrank into her seat, suddenly feeling embarrassed about it all.

“Of course you do it in your room, it’s awkward doing it in public” Her mother shrugged her shoulders, throwing it over her shoulder like a casual conversation. But Chaeyeon abruptly stood up from her chair, embarrassed as she whined a very loud ‘Mom!’. Her mother covered her ears, hushing Chaeyeon “Okay, okay, calm down. Just sit down”

“That isn’t what I meant” Chaeyeon corrected her mother with a glare and her mother laughed it off. “Of course it’s not. You’re bad at keeping secrets” Chaeyeon’s mouth dropped. How could her mother talk so casually about these things? “If you were I wouldn’t have found out you took Chaeryoungs mattress”

“What! How did you know about that?” She questioned, leaning over the countertop. Staring at her mother, stared at her with a knowing look as if she wasn’t supposed to know that.

“Honey, saying it to thousands of people live isn’t exactly keeping a secret” She whispered into Chaeyeon’s ear just to tease her. She had to pack a few extra meals and give a few more kisses to Chaeyeon on the cheek before she left just to make sure she wasn’t sulking on her way back to the dorm. 

  
  


△▲△

The group all walked together, just finishing their last photoshoot and all busy with evening plans, even if that means just staying at home and relaxing after a long day.

“Yujin, you should ask the stylists to stop giving you shoes with heels” Nako said as they walked down the hallway, irritation eminent in her tone. “Like get this; you’re 4’11 but let’s put you next to a giant who’s wearing platforms and you get flats,” it was another type of torture for any short human being, unfortunately for her it was an everyday type of thing.

Yujin laughed and told her to stop being dramatic because, “Nako, you’re already miniscule and that’s your charm” Nako rolled her eyes, debating whether that was supposed to comfort her, she’d bump Yujin’s side too short to bump shoulders (ironically)

“Yes, because I _totally_ love being towered, especially by someone who constantly teases me for it” Yujin pulled Nako into a headlock unintentionally, it was only the case because of their height difference. She swayed them side to side, trying to lighten the mood.

“But it’s true! Why can’t you be like Eunbi-unnie? She loves being teased about her height” Yujin said, pointing at Eunbi with her lips and the sound of an offended ‘yah!’ compelled Hyewon to glance over before she could stop herself.

Her gaze coincided with Eunbi, the joking lines painted on the latter’s face faltering and as they took another step Eunbi stumbled and Hyewon recognised the small restart - in the extra step she took, the quick glance at the floor, the sharp inhale - There was a beat, then the falter was replaced with a smile that made Hyewon feel an indescribable amount of _ashamed_.

Because Eunbi had that _smile_ … the same smile she must’ve used thousands of times, all gone unnoticed, one she’d inevitably grow comfortable doing. The smile that hides what laid behind her eyes so perfectly, so _disturbingly_ perfectly. Hyewon bit the inside of her cheeks, seeing no fault behind that _fake_ smile.

 _How could she have not noticed earlier_?

Not when it was the same one that smiled back in the mirror.

Every glance left her feeling a tad more guilty, every wordless second spent in her presence leaving her feeling like she should apologise for something, as though she had committed the greatest crime. So she hung back slightly, steps slowing down and so did Eunbi because of course she would notice after all they secretly mirrored one another.

Eunbi matched Hyewon’s steps against her better judgement, her body moving before she could stop herself. Every bone in her body yells for her to walk fast, to ignore her. She couldn’t risk it, it wasn’t _worth_ it.

Eunbi turned her head, smile turning questionable

It questioned their better judgement and looking into those eyes once more, Hyewon felt the vague feeling of looking into a mirror.

Eunbi swallowed, a slight tremor at the corner of her lip. She knew Hyewon saw it. She saw _her_ \- questioning if the cost for help was still high (it was) - she was way _too_ close, a quiet voice in her head warned and she knew she had to listen to it. She turned away from Hyewon’s clever eyes, taking a larger step than usual with her right foot in hopes to catch up with the rest.

But at that moment her foot landed elsewhere. Hyewon grabbed onto her wrist, dragging her into a crossing corridor. The rest of the group walked ahead, still chatting between themselves while Hyewon continued to pull them farther away. To a destination even Hyewon was unsure about, but she felt the tension release from Eunbi’s clenched fist and that was enough to tell her to continue.

They ended up at the rooftop.

Hyewon let go of Eunbi’s hand. Walking up the railing she leaned her forearms on the cold metal bar “It’s pretty isn’t it” she said “The sun. Like a yellow hole that lights the entire sky. It shines brightly, and it keeps us warm” she held her hand out to feel the soft breeze that accompanied its soft rays.

“I haven’t seen this in a long time,” Eunbi supplied, standing closer to Hyewon. She looked up at the sky, wondering how long it had been since she’d stopped and looked up at the sky like this. It was warm and addictive, how the sun kissed her skin with its soft rays, but the peaceful moment wasn’t enough.

“Do you not look up at the sky?” Hyewon turned her head to Eunbi “Or maybe is it because you’re too busy being the sun you forget there’s one that already keeps us warm?” Her tone dropping to a register she didn’t know she could reach.

Eunbi gulped and resolutely looked anywhere but Hyewon. who refused to look anywhere but at her. “It’s pretty, the sun” _Don’t say it_. Her hand clenched around the sun’s rays “And so is your heart for bringing me here. However, it’s supposed to feel pretty and happy”

She turned her head towards Hyewon “But it doesn’t feel that way…” Eunbi gulped. _Don’t_ say it “I’m starting to feel uncomfortable around you” She tilted her head in an innocent way that almost hid the inaudible shake in her voice. She regretted it. Turning to face Hyewon at that moment.

Hyewon lost the usual nonchalance he carried. Her jaw tensed, clearly clenching her teeth. “Is it because of the secret you’re holding?” she directed, demolishing her better judgement of staying out of it, but at that moment, she knew she could no longer stand aside.

_She probably thinks you’re either mad at her or mad because things are too hard._

_And if it’s the second—it’s not measly in her eyes._

Chaewon’s words rang in her head like a bell, echoing relentlessly in her head. She bit her mouth closed, feigning herself from letting Hyewon any closer than she’d allow (or her head ruled fit) She stared at the ground, eyes shut and knuckles white, taking in a deep breath.

“No” her pain aching into her voice “It’s because of me. You said it’s okay to be lost. Truth is, I’m not okay… I haven’t been” Eunbi spat out her words. No matter how close you are, there are sides of you that you don’t want to show. Sometimes even to yourself. “So please, go away. Help someone who wants you to help”

“Is avoiding me going to help you keep your secret?” Hyewon said calmly despite her bare white knuckles and tensed jaw.

“Yes, because I don’t need you” Hyewon stared, and Eunbi wished she’d show more expression than that stupid hard gaze she always had. But she was wrong to think that way. After all, Hyewon was different. She didn’t ask how or why it happened like others would. Instead she’d do less, she did _nothing._

Hyewon waited for a moment, doing nothing looking at Eunbi.

People seem weak, but they’re strong. They seem strong, but they’re weak. At times one shines over the other, but at this moment Eunbi was neither weak nor strong - she was scared, terrified and turned to the only option she had and that is to run away. And to her Hyewon was a threat, so that’s what Hyewon thought. Eunbi finally saw the menace that let her carry this burden all this time.

She walked away, just stopping beside Eunbi. Her gaze left a painful strike to Eunbi’s chest that almost made her act against her words. “Your right. The sun doesn’t need the stars and moon to light the sky” Hyewon’s words came out of spite, full of venom successfully delivering its toxin throughout Eunbi’s body that kept her frozen, unable to speak or move.

Eunbi was young when she figured out that when something bothers her, she couldn’t talk with anyone about it. She’d think it over all by herself, come to a conclusion and take action alone. She never felt lonely then, her young naïve self believing that’s just the way things are.

If only had she known how dark it would be, and how _alone_ she’d be. 

To put this hollowing feeling into words she’d say: _the feeling of letting someone you trust down_

  
  


△▲△

Eunbi returned home late, but like she’d expect most of her roommates were in the living room watching a variety show rerun on the tv. She removed her shoes at the front, shuffling her feet lazily back into the dorm.

“Unnie your back” Chaewon pointed back, turning her head at the sound of Eunbi dropping her bag on the floor. Eunbi played a smile, nodding her head and taking an empty spot on the couch with the rest of the members.

“What are you guys watching?” She asked, pretending to be interested.

“Running man” Minju answered, holding out the bag of chips in her hand asking if Eunbi wanted any, but she declined with a shake of her head and then Minju would retract her hand and place the bag on her lap.

“Hyewon said she’s not coming home. Something came up with her parents” Yena informed Eunbi in between the crunching of chips in her mouth as she spoke while she chewed, a few crumbs of food flying out of her mouth.

Eunbi frowned, hearing Hyewon wouldn’t be back and turning her head away from the group “Did she say why?” she didn’t hold back the worry in her voice since it wouldn’t matter in this situation.

“No, but she said she’ll be back in the morning” Yena shrugged her shoulders and Eunbi breathed out an ‘ah’ confirming her suspicions.

There was no emergency.

There was no urgent situation that made Hyewon leave so abruptly 

Eunbi has been her leader, her older sister for 2 years, her roommate for a little less. Hyewon wasn’t the easiest to read but with some effort she could. But this. This didn’t need an extra thought. It was simple. 

Hyewon was avoiding her. 

Why? 

Because she _told_ her to 

And Hyewon _listened_. 

**Author's Note:**

> Note: All characters, incidents, and events are fiction. I intend no harm to all idols mentioned in this fic before, during, or after you read this. This does NOT follow any certain ongoing timeline. Nor do I believe that any events mentioned here have occured in real life. This is a work of FICTION and in NO case factual. 


End file.
